Sorrows and Delights
by Cenwyn
Summary: This story is the first in a two part series that gives the reader a look into Istabella Cousland's adventures and trials after the death of the Archdemon and Alistair. From her days in Denerim through the retaking of Highever castle.
1. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 1

**A/N**: This story will be a two-part series. The first being Sorrows and Delights and the second The Vigil's Heart. This series delves into Istabella Cousland's life after the death of Alistair all the way to the end of Awakenings. It contains her journal entries and her adventures in between as they happen. Some journal entry scenes and dialogue between the characters have been altered or enhanced a little bit from the game to provided a greater back drop that the video game does not do. However I do not plan to deviate to much from the game so as not to spoil the aura of it.

I hope you enjoy!

**KUDOS**: A huge thank you to Elysis and KJFern for being my betas for this story, I am officially dedicating this series to you! :o)

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><p><strong>Istabella's Journal: <strong>

_9:30 Dragon Age-__Month of Haring: 2__nd__ Day- Denerim's Royal Palace_

_Alistair…I am such a fool for I could have saved us_

_But I didn't and now I suffer, oh how I am suffering_

_I can hear Morrigan's voice calling us fools over and over again_

_Why didn't I do it? Why did I let myself think we had a chance to prevail? _

_I cannot bear your loss_

_I was to take the final blow…It was to be me not you when Riordan failed…._

_But you are gone and I am alone now…_

_My heart has been ripped from my chest… It sits in front me weeping tears of blood….._

_Lament to Alistair by Istabella Cousland_

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><p>Outside the Mourning Chamber in the royal palace Zevran paced. Istabella had locked herself in there with Alistair's body for the past day and a half and was refusing to come out. He knew she was still furious with him about what happened at Fort Drakon. She would be angry for some time to come. But he had done it not only because Alistair had asked him too, but also because he cared for Istabella. Zevran had not wanted, and did not want to see her dead anymore than Alistair had. Deep down there was a part of him that had always wanted to Istabella for himself. He wanted to possess the wild and wily Warden Commander, as she was now called, for himself and himself alone.<p>

Footsteps approached down the hall and he saw Anora coming towards him. He bowed before her as she asked, "Is she still in there? Is she refusing to come out?"

When Zevran nodded, Anora sighed with exasperation and in a very unqueenly manner stomped her foot. "We can't have a proper funeral for the Hero of Ferelden if she won't let anyone in. Could that stone creature bust down the door perhaps?"

Zevran shrugged before saying stiffly, "That stone creature you are referring to is a golem and her name is Shale. And she _could_ possibly bust down the door if she feels so inclined. With all due respect you majesty, the Warden Commander just lost the love of her life. He died right there in front of her saving not only you but all of Ferelden. He chose to die so she could live and carry on. The Warden is not likely to let him go just yet."

Zevran could tell his answer irritated Anora even more. Under most circumstances he would have agreed with her, but not today and certainly not in Istabella's case.

"Well we need to figure something out and soon before-" Anora started but was interrupted by one of her guards.

"Yes, what is it?" Anora asked in an aggravated tone.

"Your majesty, a visitor has just arrived into the palace. He says he is Fergus Cousland, brother to the Grey Warden," the guard answered, bowing.

Anora and Zevran looked in astonishment at each other then the guard. Anora pointed at the Mourning room door. "Watch that door for us. Looks like there is a way to get the Warden out of that room after all," Anora said as a smile forming on her lips.

The guard nodded and took up his post while queen and assassin walked quickly down the hall. Anora had known that Fergus had been scouting when Istabella had arrived at Ostagar and was missing ever since. She and Istabella had talked a little about the family after Anora's rescue from Howe. Fergus would be the one to get Istabella out of that room before the corpse began to stink up the halls.

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><p>The Mourning Room in the palace was the place where the royal family could mourn the passing of a loved one. Istabella sat in the room by herself with only the candles for light. She sat staring mute at the body of Alistair lying on the wooden dais that was draped with blankets. He looked every bit like he did alive in the glowing candle light. When they had brought in him, she sent for towels and two basins of water, one scented and one unscented. After the items were delivered she had ushered everyone out of the room and had locked the door.<p>

It took her many hours but she had managed to get every speck of film off of him and his armor. He would be buried in Cailan's armor with all the ceremony befitting a man of royal blood. Even if that man was considered a bastard, he was also a Grey Warden and the Hero of Ferelden.

She had used the scented water to bathe the part of his skin not covered in armor. His face, neck and hands. She had begun with his head, dipping the cloth rhythmically in the water and gently cleaning the dirt and grime away. She had smoothed his features into a look of peace and contentment. As she had tended to her love she half expected him to open his eyes and smile at her. But his eyes remained closed in the eternal sleep of death and she wept.

Before bathing his hands she had removed his runic ring and the gold demon head bracelet she had given to him months ago. Jewelry like that fascinated him and he had been delighted to receive it. That jewelry she would now wear as a keepsake of his memory.

Oh how she wept all those hours until she had finished with him. She had pulled up one of the cushioned benches and sat there in misery. When she grew tired she climbed onto the dais and curled up next to him. Istabella was not a tiny woman by any means. Becoming a woman gave her a body of unending curves, and training as a warrior had accentuated those curves into a strong and resilient body. But the dais was more than big enough to hold the two of them. Even though his body was lifeless it was still a comfort to lay down next to him as they had done in life.

Every once and awhile someone would come along and knock on the door. She had shouted at them to go away and that she would come out when she was damn ready. Another thing she was thankful for was that the room had a privy. That saved her from having to go the bathroom in one of the rooms with many urns and vases on display.

Food and drink were left at intervals but she only took the drink. Usually it was beer, but Oghren had slipped some of his family's homemade brew on the tray outside the door. Blessed Oghren! If anyone knew liquor and how to apply in emotional situations it was Oghren. In between drinking sessions she would lash out at Alistair. For hours she would shake her fists and rail at the unfairness of a life full of possibilities, for the future snuffed out in an instant. _All for the sake of duty and for the greater good of the world_! Istabella had shouted at the walls. Her shouting became wailing keens of sorrow. The one person who could have saved them- if she and Alistair had been willing to pay the price, had been Morrigan. But she had refused Morrigan's offer and now Istabella cursed herself.

If she had convinced Alistair to sleep with Morrigan, would the consequences have been worth the price of the bargain? Would she and Alistair have to face the child of that union one day down the road and atone for their sins? Perhaps they would have, perhaps someone else would have faced the seed of a risky and unknown decision from long ago. Istabella had laughed to herself thinking bitterly just how much enjoyment Morrigan would derive from her foolish decision of sticking with duty. Or would she laugh at Istabella's suffering right now? No. She would not laugh. But she would speak with condescendence, mixed with that rare sisterly sympathy she had sometimes displayed. Whatever Morrigan would do or say did not matter now. She was gone. Alistair was gone. And Istabella was left with a plateful of bitter regrets.

Istabella rubbed her forehead knowing she should leave the room, get some fresh air, eat and drink some proper food. Most of all she needed to bathe and badly. She had not even stopped to clean up before she had locked herself in the room. She was still in the Warden-Commander armor she had gotten from the corpse of Sophia Dryden at Soldiers Peak. She also still sported a nasty gash on the outside of her upper thigh from one of the Archdemon's talons. It had finally stopped bleeding but it needed proper cleaning and a healer to tend to it. But she couldn't bring herself to face anyone just yet.

So it happened that is was not bodily needs or functions that had her running to the door. It was the sound of Fergus's voice as he pounded on the door, "Istabella? Maker's butt little sister open the door for your brother!"

Istabella's head whipped up and stared at the door. She was delirious surely and hearing things. Her brother was dead too, lost on the Kocari Wilds with his scouting party. No it was just a figment of her imagination- until she heard his voice come through the wood loud and clear.

"Ista open this door! Shale says she is going to come in and squish _its_ head like a lemon. _It_ managed to not get pooped out onto her and lived to fight another day," Fergus shouted with his mouth right at the door.

Despite her grief Istabella shook her head and smiled. Dear Shale, still calling her _it _and being her normal sarcastic self. Then her slow addled brain finally registered that it really was Fergus outside the door.

"Fergus? Fergus!" Istabella yelled running to the door and yanking it open. Fergus had not expected this and fell through the door landing flat on his belly.

He rolled over on his back saying, "Maker be praised I thought I would never seen you again!"

Istabella yanked up him up and pulled him into a hug. Her grief over Alistair was temporarily forgotten as both siblings wept.

Shale was outside the door with Anora and Leliana observing the scene with her usual condescension. "Squishy creatures and their moods. If they are not crying they are emitting some other form of liquid. Ugh I for one am glad I don't remember myself like that."

Leliana giggled, "Oh but you were a dwarf once. I am sure you experienced all those things we fleshy creatures do before you became a golem. This doesn't make you miss when you were flesh and blood?"

Shale snorted, "Bah, I can't even remember when I was a squishy creature and I don't want too. I am much happier as I am for the time being. It is fun being able to squish pigeons with just a pinch of your fingers. Just like that I can snap their fuzzy heads off."

Anora groaned disgusted. "Well now that we got her to open the door do you think you can keep her from closing it again?"

Shale eyed Anora balefully. Her royal highness would make a great stain on the side of the wall. But Shale resisted the urge to pop her head like a grape. "Yes, I have it under control here. _It_ will not lock herself in again, I can promise you that."

Anora breathed a sigh of relief and then wrinkled her nose at the odor in the air of the Mourning room. "Good, then I will leave you to watch her. I need to make arrangements for Alistair's funeral for the day after tomorrow. Leliana let me show you where Istabella and Fergus's rooms will be. I have put them in the same wing that all of you are in. Once she is up there Istabella can ask any servant to fetch hot water for a bath and anything else that is needed from the kitchens."

Leliana followed right on Anora's heels and Shale watched them walk away down the hall. "Squish!" was all Shale said as the golem moved into the doorway with her back to Fergus and Istabella.

In the Mourning room Istabella told Fergus what happened that night after he had left and gone to Ostagar. The hardest part was telling him about mother, father, Oriana and Oren. Rarely did she see her brother cry, but in this room where mourning took place he wept with his sister over the loss of their family.

"When things are taken care of here in Denerim we are going to Highever and taking back our home. I can talk to my friends and get their help. I know most of them if not all would be more than glad to help us out. But there is so much to tell you about what happened after Ostagar," Istabella said still holding her brother's hands.

Fergus nodded. "And I have much to tell you as well. But first you need a bath and a decent meal. Why don't we both bathe then meet in your room for a private dinner? We can talk each other's ears off all night playing catch up."

For the first time in days, Istabella smiled. "I think that sounds like a great idea. A bath would do us both some good I think. Something smells a little ripe in here and I don't know if it is me or you."

Fergus snorted with laughter. "I can smell you sister and it is not getting any pleasanter. Though I am sure I don't smell all that great myself."

Fergus and Istabella took very, very long hot baths. As the servants brought up the water she had one of them fetch Wynne to look at the wound on her leg. It was turning red and very nasty looking which prompted Wynne to go in "mother mode". Istabella just let her gently berate her about being reckless and not looking afterself and so on. One thing she had learned was when Wynne started lecturing it was just best to let go until all the wind went out of her sails. When Wynne was done Istabella thanked here and climbed into the deliciously hot scented water.

After a couple of hours soaking away the grime, dirt and weariness of the past year they met in Istabella's room. Three servants brought large trays with a variety of foods and lots of ale. The sibling gorged on meat and vegetable pies, fresh bread, cheese, hot soup and sweet cream cakes. A small barrel of beer with a tap sat on its stand on the table and brother and sister took full advantage of it.

Fergus picked up his story starting at the time he arrived at Ostagar. He told of his scouting forays deep into the wilds to assess the darkspawn situation. The night of final battle when Ostagar was lost was when he and his men were ambushed. Out of twenty, only three of them made it out alive. He barely survived the encounter with part of the darkspawn army heading towards Ostagar. They were saved by a group of Chasind warriors who led them to safety. They stayed at the encampment for several weeks to heal up. With the southern part of Ferelden being invaded by the horde, travel north was difficult. Many times they had to skirt patrolling bands of darkspawn. At one point they had to stay put with a Chasind clan for four months. But the Chasind were not without their own battles with the roving darkspawn. Fergus and his two remaining comrades aided the Chasind in their battles earning their trust and gratitude. Then when the darkspawn started moving north, Fergus followed the army. A few of the Chasind led him and his comrades safely out of the Kocari Wilds. All the towns in between Ostagar and Lothering were completely obliterated by the taint. Bodies of both darkspawn and people were littered around buildings that were no more than burnt out shells.

The nearest place to stop off at was Redcliffe. Fergus had gotten word that the Grey Wardens were meeting their allies at Redcliffe to meet the darkspawn army there and hopefully the Archdemon.

"When I heard your name mentioned as one of the Grey Wardens I could not believe it! My little sister, a Grey Warden and leading an army against the darkspawn. We traveled as quickly as we could but you were already gone by the time we got there. Townsfolk said that the horde was attacking Denerim and that you had taken the entire army you had gathered with you. I was about three days behind you. So we hotfooted into Denerim and by the time I got here the Archdemon was dead and the darkspawn on the run," Fergus said finishing up his story with a large swallow of ale.

Fergus, like Istabella seemed to be blessed with incredible luck. Both were positive the other was dead and yet here they both sat together feasting and talking after almost a year of separation. Istabella made a mental note to write all this down in the journal Alistair had given her. When she was sober and awake enough to do it.

With more ale on the way Istabella told Fergus of her adventures through Ferelden and the Blight. By the time she had finished they had consumed the second small keg of ale and both were incredibly drunk.

"It is hard to believe almost a whole year has passed and look at all that has happened. At least one good thing has come from this Fergus," Istabella said whirling the last of the ale in her mug.

Fergus looked at her with bloodshot eyes his cheek resting against his hand. "What is that little sister?" he said slurring his words a bit.

"We found each other and the Cousland name will continue to carry on," Istabella said clinking her mug against his.

Fergus clinked his mug back in affirmation, "I will drink to that my sister."


	2. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 2

**Istabella's Journal**

9:30 Dragon Age

Month of Haring: 5th Day-Denerim's Royal Palace:

_Grief. For most of this past year I have seen and felt nothing but grief during this accursed journey. Today we buried my love, my heart, my Alistair. In his honor Lel sang the elvish song she sung to all of us in camp after Zathrian's death in the Forest Temple. It was a moving and fitting tribute to my Alistair and his sacrifice. I do not think there was anyone in the crowd who was not crying. They all at the very least had watery eyes. He was entombed in his brother's armor, Duncan's shield and sword that I had given him. I had taken my reminders of him when I cleaned up his body in the Mourning room. _

_One bright spot in all of this is that my brother Fergus is alive and safe with me. He was my rock and support during the funeral procession. If it wasn't for my his support and love I think I would have fallen to pieces in hysterics. My beloved brother who was my rock even in our childhood. It made the bearing of my final farewell to Alistair much easier to withstand. _

_Zevran too stood at my side squeezing my hand supportively. I accepted the gesture but that was it. I am still not ready to talk to Zevran just yet as I am still miffed at him. I will go into detail later about the why and when of it._

_There was a funeral feast held in Alistair's honor despite the state of Denerim's destruction. But I did not attend; I could not attend and face the looks of pity, the toasting to a life gone, and the words of comfort. _

_I spent most of the afternoon alone at his tomb in the Hall of Kings. I left orders with the guards that I was not to be disturbed no matter what. There in the torch darkened room filled with incense I wept and grieved. _

_When I was done emptying my soul out yet again, I left and ordered copious amounts of alcohol to be sent to my room. Is there such a thing as shedding too many tears?_

_Since then I have eaten nothing and drank enough alcohol that would have quite possibly knocked Oghren on his ass. He would be extremely proud of me. How I have the capacity to write my story is a mystery to me right now; let alone sitting up straight._

_I have not written in a journal since fleeing Highever with Duncan and I only write these thoughts down because if I don't I will go mad. Which would result in me turning into "princess stabbity stab stab" as Alistair once called Leliana ages ago it seems. The events of my life over the past year make me feel like all this happened a lifetime ago._

_My parents, my family home and all those who worked for the Cousland family were taken from almost a year ago. In fact when the eighteenth day of Wintermarch arrives it will be one year exactly. That night I lost my first love, Ser Rory Gilmore. My sparring partner, my friend, my confidante, my co-conspirator, and my red haired Knight who took my virginity one hot summer's night by the river. _

_I remember it well as if it was yesterday, even as I write in the drunken state I am in. The exquisite mix of pleasure and pain as he breached my girlhood barrier. But the pain was only temporary, and quickly replaced by a rich heat of desire and lust. Even now I can still feel my Rory on top of me and in me, how wonderful and complete I felt. The pleasure my body derived from our union had me screaming in ecstasy as he murmured loving words in my ear. We took our pleasure and love with each other whenever and wherever we could. In our everyday lives we lived as we always did; Rory as a respected knight and I the daughter of Teryn Bryce Cousland of Highever. But like all good things in a noble's life, duty and decision sometimes must come first before want and need. _

_Somehow my father knew about us and had pulled me aside one evening discreetly. I had to end it with Rory or he would send him away to his father's farm for good. I could not let Rory be disgraced like that and carry that shame the rest of his life. To defy my father would be selfish of me and Maker knows Rory did not deserve such censure. When Rory and I were alone next I told him that it had to end and that my father knew about us. Fortunately my father did not know just how far Rory and I had gone. So it was with great pain that we parted as lovers. Friends and battle mates we would always be but never again as lovers. Rory said he admired me for having to make such a hard decision at letting go of us. We spent that last night together in each other's arm weeping bitter tears at what could not be. My father however, I found out later, was not without sympathy towards my unhappiness. Rory and I never quite got over our having to part ways. At least we could live with the consolation that what we shared was special and rare and always would be. No one could take that away from us. But I cursed the unfairness and cruelty life could give a person._

_Then in one night all I had known was destroyed by one man's greed and jealousy. Duncan, head of the Grey Wardens in Denerim, was visiting when all this took place. Rumors circulated that a Blight was rearing its ugly head again and he was on the search for new recruits. He had Rory in mind as a possible recruit and I was surprisingly happy for Rory. Then my happiness turned to sadness for if Rory left to join the Grey Wardens I might not ever see him again. That thought brought a horrible pain to my heart. But hope rose up in me just a little as I began to form a plan to get myself into the Grey Wardens. Then at least Rory and I could have a better chance of being together. _

_Howe was also at our castle with his soldiers. He and my father were to travel on the morrow with the rest of the Highever guard and Howe's soldiers to aid the king at Ostagar. Howe only had part of his force with him. He explained that because he waited so long that the rains were delaying the travel up by Amaranthine. I had never trusted Arl Rendon Howe in my life. I always found him to be a groveling, sneaky, ugly weasel of a man._

_I can't say the same about his children though. Delilah and I were about the same age and got along very well. His older son Nathan or Nate I had met when I was a child of five. But I never saw him after that as he was sent to the Free Marches to be squired. Thomas was a few years younger than I was and quite handsome. Fortunately the Howe children took after their dark haired mother. _

_But for some reason that day I felt uneasy after the talk I had with my father when he put me in charge of the castle. Howe's evasiveness when I asked him questions about his soldiers, how many were delayed and when they could be expected made my uneasiness worse. Something did not fit right or maybe it was just the chaotic air of people scrambling to get ready to go fight in such a short amount of time. _

_For the most part I was able to push aside my uneasiness and enjoy a family dinner with our guests. Dinner also included Lady Landra, Bann Loren's wife, her son Dairren and maid in waiting Iona. I remembered Lady Landra from the spring salon the year before. She had gotten so drunk on fruit champagne that she had attempted to marry me off to several eligible men there. One of these men included her son Dairren who was about my age. Dairren was a sweet boy growing up and just an all around nice person as man. He enjoyed philosophy and scholarly pursuits more than the art of war. As luck would have it, Lady Landra made sure that Dairren and I sat next to each other at dinner. _

_We knew what she was about and could only sigh and roll our eyes. I had no interest in him both romantically and sexually. Ever since Rory and I had to stop seeing each other I had no desire to bring any man to my bed. But though we weren't the least bit interested in marriage, Dairren attempted to warm me up and worm his way into my bed. I politely refused him and went off to our family's private quarters. _

_Fergus had left earlier that day so I checked on Oriana and Oren. My sister-in- law was trying to get him settled in for the night. But to no avail he kept running around with a mock sword and shield brandishing it wildly. Unable to resist I went and got my own wood practice set and ran into the room brandishing my sword. _

_Squealing with delight he chased me out into the large anteroom that flanked my bedroom, Fergus's and my parents. We clacked and clattered our swords for a time as I taught him how to wield one properly. After a lengthy session of sword instruction he promptly burst into a game of kill the dragon. Me of course being the dragon, him being the valiant knight who would slay the vile beast with his sword of truthiness. He asked if I could saddle up Drake, my Mabari hound, and use him as a horse. Oriana rolled her eyes and groaned while I hooted with laughter. Apparently Drake found all this amusing as he jumped around barking with excitement trying to smother Oren's face with dog kisses. Pulling my hound off Oren I cleaned him up and went to help Oriana get him into bed. It did not take Oren long to pass out and with a good night to Oriana I retired to bed myself. _

_Later that night the fires of hell broke loose in our castle. My hound woke me up first with his barking. I could hear shouts and screaming coming from outside my door. I threw the covers off and by weak firelight I dawned on my father's silverite armor. He had given it to me when I won the warrior tourney a few years back. I quickly belted on my daggers and short sword to my waist. I pulled down my favorite long sword, a gift from Rory, and my trusty shield. _

_The moment I opened the door a soldier dressed in Howe's signature armor kicked it the rest of the way in. The force of the impact sent me flying back against my bed. If it had not been for my hound Drake the man would have been right on top of me. Drake lunged at the soldier, knocking him to the ground and bit him in the throat. Then my hound went for the archer that was shooting at me. The first soldier was on the ground gagging and bleeding out. I shoved my sword into his throat and twisted it. I could feel his neck snap and then he was gagging no more. _

_I looked up to see Drake brutally tearing at the archer. I let my dog have his way and rushed towards my mother's room. Three men were banging and kicking at my parents' room. I could hear her loud curses and taunts she threw at the men. I could not help but smile a bit. My mother tended to be a dutiful, proper noble woman and conduct herself as a teryna should. But get her mad like this and she could spout cuss words that could rival with a drunken sailor. _

_I whistled to Drake and we set ourselves upon the three soldiers immediately. The fight did not last long. I ran to mother's door calling out for her and father. But only she came out. _

"_Where's your father? Have you seen your father?" she asked in a worried voice._

_I shook my head, "No. I was in my room all night. You don't think…."_

_My mother shook her head as well. "I don't know. But what is going on? Those are Howe's men. Why are they attacking us?"_

_I did not know but I remembered the funny way Howe was acting when we were talking with my father and Duncan. I told my mother this and her face grew hard and angry._

"_He means to murder us all! He has betrayed our family. That lying bastard! I'll cut his throat myself," my mother said running back into the room and equipping her bow and a quiver full of arrows._

"_Quickly we need to find your father and get out here," she said grasping my arm and pulling me along._

"_What about Oren and Oriana? We need to find them first," I said pulling her towards my brother's rooms._

"_Sweet Maker, what if they got them first," Mother said panicking as we broke into a run. _

_Drake was faster and got into the room first. Sure enough when we entered both Oren and Oriana were dead. Neither one was trained to defend themselves nor did they have a chance when the soldiers got to them. Drake sat on his haunches and howled mournfully for them._

_My mother gathered Oren in her arms and wept. I went to Oriana and took her wedding ring and the wedding necklace she always wore. For some reason the soldiers did not take these off of her. I was glad as I knew Fergus would want these as keepsakes. _

_I went over to my mother with tears of sorrow and hate falling down my face. I pulled mother away from Oren and we vented our grief on every Howe soldier. We went to the treasury first pulling out the family sword and shield with the Cousland crest. We gathered everything and anything that was valuable and loaded it into a pack I was carrying. I secured the pack to my shoulders so it rested on my back. My mother strapped my shield over the pack to hide it and sheathed my sword on my back. I took the Cousland sword and shield ready to spill more blood. _

_Getting out of the treasury room proved to be a bit tougher; we were set upon by five soldiers and one of Howe's knights who swung a nasty maul. I gave the knight a rousing good fight that eventually ended up with me beheading him. I helped my mother finish off the remaining men and we went back in search of father. _

_Along the way we had picked up two of our private guard. The closer we got to the main hall and entrance the heavier and thicker the fighting got. We slaughtered and cleaned out every room we came across. Finally we made it to the Great Hall and the scene was absolute chaos. _

_A large group of Howe's men were fighting ours and Howe had brought along a blasted mage. How the hell did he manage to keep one? Mother hung back and took out the mage with three perfectly timed shots. I fought my way to Rory's side and together we plowed through Howe's men hacking and slashing. We timed our attacks perfectly while guarding each other's backs just as we had done in training. Finally, with only a few losses on our side, all the enemy men were dead. Those Cousland guards that remained quickly began throw furniture up against the main doors. The large beam across the doors that prevented it from opening was getting weak with each slam of the battering ram. _

"_Your ladyship, my lady thank the Maker you all right," Rory said moving us away from the main door to a side door that led to the kitchens and privies. _

"_Have you seen Bryce, Roland?" my mother asked in worried tone._

"_Last time I saw him he went looking for you. When he did not see you anywhere he went to the larder and the servants exit. I think he figured you soon be there if you were not already. Please my ladies get out of the castle and run! Howe's men will break through any minute. That door is not going to hold!" Rory said herding us towards the side door. _

_I stood my ground saying, "I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving Rory. Mother I want you to take three guards and go find father. Drake and I will stay here and help defend the Hall while you two escape." _

_Mother shook her head at me and pulled on my arm. "No! You are getting out of this castle alive with us. I already have your brother gone to Ostagar; I will not lose my daughter." _

_Rory then looked at me with sorrow and regret. He knew exactly why I wanted to stay and he was not going to allow it. He stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders._

"_Go with the teyrna, my lady. You and your parents would be a prize for Howe to do with as the likes. The castle is lost as are most of us. Go, run to safety," Rory said looking into my eyes. _

_His green eyes so mesmerizing and deep, pleaded me to go. I shook my head while biting back a sob. "I am not leaving you! I can't leave you! I would rather die by your side fighting to protect you and my home."_

_A loud bang and the splinter of wood made us jump. Rory cursed and turned to the door. It was not holding and in a few short minutes the Hall would be swarmed. My mother grasped my arm hard and tried to pull me away. "We have to leave now Istabella! We have to get to your father and get out of here!" she said in a stern and angry voice._

_If I had my choice I would have stood there and argued the reasons I should and would stay. But there was not time for the situation was growing dire and more urgent. I did not want to leave Rory to his fate but I desperately wanted to find my father. _

_Rory pushed us towards the side door taking off his ring as he did so. He put the ring in my hand. He put his hand to my face saying, "Take this as a keepsake and remember me my love. We will see each other again whether it be in this world or the next."_

_I kissed him then, hard and passionate in front of my astonished mother. I did not care anymore. I did not care who knew or saw, all that mattered was after so many years I was able to touch and kiss him one last time. He returned my kiss and then wrapped me in his arms. _

_The sound of the door beginning to give way jolted us apart. Mother grabbed my arm and pulled me along telling Rory that she hoped the Maker watched over him. He responded in kind as he watched us leave for a few seconds before turning his back and running into the Hall. That was the last I ever saw of my Ser Rory Gilmore, my Knight in shining armor._

_As we ran mother and I did not speak but I could tell she was clearly upset. It mattered not to me how she felt right now. I focused on looking through all the rooms on the way to kitchen and larder. We found them empty and fortunately we ran into little opposition in this part of the castle. _

_Finally we reached the kitchen relieved to see it empty of enemy guards and ran into the larder. It was dark and we had a hard time seeing but finally in a corner we saw a flicker of light from a low burning lamp. The sound of ragged breathing was coming from that corner and my heart froze. I turned to Drake and ordered him to guard the door for us._

_We went to the corner and in the dim light saw my father on the ground clutching his side. I knelt down and turned the oil lamp up on full and saw blood- lots of blood- staining his clothing. _

"_There you both are," he said in a shaky voice trying to smile but a grimace crossed his features instead. _

"_Bryce! We looked all over you! What happened? How bad are you hurt?" Mother asked in a panicky voice trying to get at the wound._

_She uncovered it and we saw that is was a short but deep gash that had sliced through muscle. But it bled, oh how that wound bled! I took my knife and began ripping the bottom of my tunic that had come out of my armor. The little I could get was not enough to staunch the blood so my mother emptied out several flour sacks. She handed them to me and I placed them over the wound. _

"_Several of Howe's guards ambushed me. Nearly did me in right there in the hallway. If it was not for Duncan coming to my aid I would already be dead," father said as he coughed and spat out blood._

_I knew this was not good as his lungs were starting to fill with blood. I had some training in herbal healing and how to recognize which wounds were not fatal and those that were. I took a clean cloth and wiped my father's mouth._

"_Pup, you, Drake and your mother must get out of here and get to safety. Word must be sent to Fergus at Ostagar about what happened. Duncan can you help my family?" my father asked in a ragged voice._

_I looked over my shoulder to see Duncan strolling in, sheathing a bloody sword into the scabbard on his back. "I can, your lordship but if I am to do so we must leave quickly. Howe's men have almost broken through as we speak." _

"_You are Duncan then, the Grey Warden?" mother asked applying a poultice I had made to my father's wound. _

"_Yes, I managed to get your husband to safety after his ambush. The teyrn was looking for you and so I was," Duncan said looking at my mother then me._

"_My daughter got us here, thank the Maker," my mother said smiling at me. _

"_I am not surprised. Your daughter is a formidable girl and a strong one at that," Duncan said looking me over appraisingly. _

_For some reason I felt irked. I was a grown woman and not a girl thank you very much. I brushed aside his comment and asked if he could help us._

_He said he would be able to get my mother and I out but not my father. He was losing too much blood and could barely stand up let alone run. _

"_Duncan take my wife and daughter to Ostagar, I beg you," my father pleaded._

_Duncan was nodding. "I will but I must ask for something in return. The Blight drove me here seeking recruits and I must leave with one." Duncan looked directly at me. _

_My father looked back and forth between us and agreed. I shook my head vigorously. "Oh no! I am not leaving you here to die. If you can't move I will stay with you. I am not leaving you at Howe's hands." _

"_I will stay here and defend us Istabella. Go with Duncan," Mother said firmly while cradling my father's head._

"_Absolutely not! I am sorry Duncan but I cannot go with you, find someone else to recruit but it will not be me. My duty is to my family and my home. I will die here defending it," I said defiantly._

"_Then I have no choice but to conscript you into the Grey Wardens. For your own safety as well as for the preservation of your life. We Wardens have the right to conscript as necessary," Duncan said firmly but not unkindly._

_I felt my father grasp my hand, "Please Pup, go with Duncan and warn your brother. He has to know what happened here. Someone has to tell him about Oren and Oriana. Please do this for me."_

_My father looked at me with those cerulean blue eyes of his and found that I could not refuse. I would do almost anything for my beloved father. As hard as it was to leave them I gave in to him and nodded my acceptance. I turned to Duncan saying, "I am only agreeing to this because of my father, just so you know. If I had my way, conscription or no conscription, you would be leaving without me and I would remain here." He seemed rather unaffected by my words and I wondered how many times he had heard this before. _

_A loud thunderous crash sounded down the hallway and the shouts of men followed. I knew men were storming through the main hall and preparing to head this way. I sent a silent prayer for Rory to somehow make it out alive._

"_They have broken through we must leave now," Duncan urged putting a hand on my shoulder. _

_I shook it off and embraced my parents. "I love you both so much!" I said sobbing. Drake began to growl and bark at the door as the shouts of men came closer. I looked reluctantly at my parents huddled together. I couldn't believe I was abandoning them like this. My place was here but Duncan pulled me away. _

_I whistled to Drake who came bounding after me. I took one last look at my parents then ran down into darkness. _

_I will continue my story another day. As I sit at my desk I can tell that dawn is not far off and I have had too little sleep these past days. Perhaps tonight the nightmares will themselves sleep peacefully and not haunt my dreams._


	3. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 3

**Sorrows and Delights: Chapter 3**

Unlike other mornings Istabella actually woke up feeling normal. No hangover, no dry mouth and no pounding headache. And most importantly she had had no nightmares.

She had a busy day ahead of her in Denerim. It was taking longer than expected to drag out the dead human and darkspawn bodies. Denerim was considered a large city but it was the mass of back alleys that caused the delays. All carts that were still salvageable had been rebuilt and were used to cart off the dead. The darkspawn were being burned far outside the city walls, while the humans were buried in the graveyard just to the west of the city.

Today she, Fergus and her friends were going to finish sweeping the port area of Denerim. There were about a dozen small areas that needed to be checked for darkspawn. No place in Denerim had escaped untouched. The only fortunate people to have avoided the horde completely were those that had ships. Istabella had her doubts that there were surviving pockets but still she would not risk it. The citizens here needed reassurance from the Warden-Commander that all was safe so they could rebuild their life. Not to mention the ports needed to be safe for ships to come in.

Istabella rose and plated her hair into one long braid. Donning on her clothes and armor she put her necklace of memories on. It had Rory's ring, Alistair's ring and the ring from Oriana's hand. Istabella suddenly remembered that she had completely forgotten to give Fergus his wife's ring and necklace.

Going through her pack she found the small inner pocket where she usually kept her valuables. She found Oriana's necklace, pulled it out and concealed it in her desk. She would have Fergus come to her room tonight so she could give them to him.

The dining hall was starting to get crowded with the palace folks coming down for breakfast. She found some of her companions already at their usual table. She waved to them and walked over to the high table where Anora was sitting talking to Cisero, a minor Denerim noble. Istabella remembered he was one of Loghain's supporters. He was one of the nobles who had spoken against her on the floor of the Landsmeet. As she approached she could hear him complaining in his high nasally voice.

"But how long will it take your highness? My estate was every bit as damaged as everyone else's. Replacing the valuable antiques alone will be costly." He said delicately dabbing his napkin to the corners of his mouth.

"We will start rebuilding the rest of city, including this district, once the city is fully cleared. Right now we are focusing the areas with the worst of the damage. I know you have holes in your roof Cisero but you will just have to make do like the rest of us." Anora said firmly and with her queenly air of authority.

Cisero deferred to her by bowing his head slightly and continuing to eat.

Inside Istabella was smirking at the spoiled noble man. _Serves you right, you squirrely, sniveling pussy!_ Istabella thought to herself. She approached Anora and bowed. "Your Majesty. My friends and I will be heading out this morning to sweep the port and dock area for any surviving darkspawn. I have my doubts any are there but if they are I will be the first to know it."

Anora nodded indicating for her to take a seat. "Thank you Warden. I appreciate the fact that you all have remained in Denerim to help out. I know you are anxious to get to Highever and reclaim your home. Until you are ready to leave you and your companions have full run of the palace. If I could spare them I would send guards with you to help retake Highever. But as the darkspawn greatly diminished the guard I need as many here as possible to prevent an increase in crime. I am sorry for this Warden." Anora said putting her hands out in an apologetic manner. "However, you will not be going without some aid. I am having a document drawn up that gives you and Fergus full authority to take back your home and lands. What Howe did was wrong and no one has any rights to your property. You and Fergus have full rights to deal with those who occupy your home."

Istabella shook her head. "Your majesty is very kind and I understand. My companions will be going with me to relieve our home of Howe's men. We of course will staying through the ceremony. We still start preparations to leave the day after." Istabella asked.

"Of course. Take as much time as you need to prepare. If you find yourself requiring anything I will see you get it. I am not only grateful for your help but I know the people of Denerim look up to you every bit as much as they revere Alistair. I don't know if I ever said it but I am very sorry for your loss. Are you doing okay Istabella?" Anora said in a quiet, hesitant tone while she fiddled with her fingers.

Istabella had been around her long enough to know that this was a habit she had when nervous. It also occurred to Istabella that the queen may actually be feeling a bit of remorse for not saying something sooner. Either that or the grimace of pain that came across Istabella's face when she mentioned Alistair had brought her around to mentioning him.

"Thank you Anora, I appreciate you asking. I am dealing with things one day at a time as best I can." Istabella replied softly and briefly. Any more than that and she would end up bursting into tears right here at the royal table. Maker's balls, wouldn't that give the folks something to talk about.

Istabella reined her emotions and keeping them back until she could vent them out at a later time. "Well your majesty I won't keep you from meal. I need to join my companions and work out the plan for today. Also I will be speaking to the leaders of our allies. Many of the elves and dwarves stayed to help out. Both Keeper Lanaya of the Dalish and King Harrowmont owe me debts for helping them in their time of need. I will see what special services I can elicit from them while they are still here. Good day your majesty." Istabella said rising and bowing slightly.

"Of course I understand. If you would Warden please report back your findings when you return." Anora said turning back to her original conversation with Cisero.

Istabella left the queen's table and went down to where her brother and companions were sitting. She sat between Fergus and Oghren and piled her plate up with food. It seemed that her Grey Warden appetite was ranging back in full force this morning.

"Well Warden, it is good to see you stuffing your face again. A few more days and you wouldn't be able to fill your armor out anymore. That would be a shame." Oghren commented eyeing her as she ate.

Istabella smirked at him saying. "You are one to talk Oghren. There have been times where I have seen you put down more alcohol than food. Speaking of which is it possible that one can become immune to the effects of liquor?"

Oghren snorted. "What? No one becomes immune to the effects of it. That just means either you need to drink more or drink something harder. Could be Commander you aren't as soft bellied as I thought."

"You Oghren would be the first person to know that. No I am not that soft bellied but it is just that for the first time I had no nightmares last night, I slept like a baby and had no hangover. I had enough ale to drown half a pub in." Istabella said smiling.

"Then you need to switch to some harder stuff. The ale is getting to soft for you. Tell you what, I will see if I can't brew up some of Oghren's special family recipe. It will knock you on your ass and make you forget your name." Oghren grunted spearing a large sausage from a platter in front of them.

Wynne snorted derisively. "Or kill you. That is if Oghren doesn't blow up the castle first. Anyway what is on the agenda today?"

Istabella for the first time in days looked at Zevran as she spoke. She knew at some point that she would have to interact with him and it may as well be starting now. Ever since Alistair died he had made it a point to stay close to her. Istabella could only guess that Alistair had asked him to do so. Her anger at him was becoming a little less each day as the pain of Alistair's passing lessened.

"We need to do a sweep of the port and dock area of Denerim. Anora is sending a couple of guards with us that know the back alleys so we don't get lost. I have my doubts about any darkspawn hiding out there. But it is better to be safe than sorry. If we split into teams we can cover ground faster but I am the only one who can sense darkspawn. So it just might be best if we take our time as one group." Istabella informed them while taking second helpings of breakfast on her plate. Instead of setting it in front of her, she sat it down in front of Drake.

"Then we need to head out as soon as possible which will be right after Drake is done gorging himself. The port area is large and will probably take most of the day. I still need to get with the leaders of our allies that are still here too."

She looked at Zevran who was polishing the daggers he kept hidden in his bracers. "Zevran I want you to come with me to the camps tonight. I may need a second person to help me deal with the leaders."

Zevran smiled slightly and nodded, "Of course Warden."

When Drake had finished eating they headed out of the dining hall picking up Shale and the two Denerim guards. As they walked out of the palace and made their way to the port district, Denerim was in full swing. Carts half full of dead darkspawn were being hauled towards the front gates. Heavily damaged buildings were in the process of being demolished by large battering rams made of oak beams.

Istabella was greeted warmly by the surviving city folk, many of them coming up to thank her briefly with a handshake or hugs. She accepted it all gracefully but also made sure that they knew she had not done it by herself. She always acknowledged her companions since they were partly responsible for the end of the Blight.

As these well wishes and thanks of gratitude continued, Istabella glimpsed the true depth of Alistair's sacrifice. People had come together despite their differences to comfort one another and begin the rebuilding process. None of this was reflected more so when she just happened to run into Caitlyn and Bevin. The brother and sister she had met in Redcliffe when the castle and town were being overrun with the undead.

"Warden-Commander!" Caitlyn shouted as she came running towards them. Istabella thought they looked familiar and put a hand over her eyes to shade them from the sun.

When she recognized them she smiled broadly and walked over to meet them. Caitlyn wrapped her arms around Istabella's shoulders hugging as hard as she could. Istabella had somewhat grown used to complete strangers coming up and doing this. Zevran however did not seem to care for all this hugging business. When someone did hug her he stepped closer to Istabella his sharp eyes searching for any hint of a dagger. Male or female it did not matter to him as threats came in all forms. She could feel him close at her back even through her metal armor.

"Caitlyn and Bevin isn't? I was hoping you had made it out of the city when the attack had begun. It is good to see you safe." Istabella said hugging the girl and Bevin before stepping back.

Caitlyn took Bevin's hand and pulled him closer. Istabella could tell the lad was at least three inches taller since she had last seen him.

"Yes, when the attack begun we ran towards the docks. Some of the Denerim guards had seized the ships and began loading refugees on them. We were one of them and then we sailed away from the coast while waiting for the fighting to stop. When we got back most of the port area was untouched. Some of our homes had caught fire but not many. Once we heard you arrived with the allied army we figured you were able to stop them before darkspawn got this far." Caitlyn said waving her hand out gesturing to the surrounding buildings.

They were all almost untouched by fire. Some bore burned marks where the embers from the bigger fires had likely been carried by the wind. She looked back to Caitlyn, smiling. "Well it is good to see that both are safe. How are things here? Any troubles or problems that need to be dealt with?"

Caitlyn nodded. "We are starting to have problems with riff raff and thieves more so than usual. With the city guard greatly diminished there is more opportunity for trouble."

"We are headed on a sweep through port district now. I will assess everything and see about getting more guards if I can. If not I will pull rank and deputize some folks to act as guards. I doubt anyone will question my authority since it is their asses my friends and I saved from annihilation." Istabella said as they continued walking, Caitlyn and Bevin following.

"Thank you, Warden. Most of the riff raff like to hit the docks during the busy part of the day when folks are loading and unloading. Things get so chaotic that merchants are not always paying attention to their ware. We must go and help our cousins. Goodbye, Warden." Caitlyn said giving Istabella another hug before taking Bevin's hand and walking away.

Istabella waved before turning to the soldiers. "You two are now officially the leaders. We need to scout the entire port area for darkspawn. If any are here I will be able to pick it up immediately."

The soldiers nodded and led the group through the streets and winding alleys. As Istabella suspected there were no darkspawn in this part of Denerim. The only exciting thing was catching group of three teenage boys who had stolen one of the merchants' coin purses. She found great amusement as Sten stood over the boys glowering fiercely at them. They were marched back to the merchant and promptly returned the money.

The boys were then taken to the palace dungeons to spend one night in a cell. The next day they would be brought to Master Alik who was in charge of rebuilding the market district. There they would do community service of food and water runs and as well miscellaneous chores. Istabella threatened that if they stepped out of line in any way she would know and the consequences would be dire. The boys were so scared they actually burst into tears.

As dusk gradually faded into dark Istabella sent her companions and Drake back to the palace while her and Zevran headed towards the main gate. They walked in silence for a time, neither saying anything. The thanks and gratitude of the people today had touched a closed off place in her heart. The people were not only grateful for Alistair's sacrifice but hers as well.

Over the past few days she had avoided the sentimental words that people usually spoke to you when a loved one was lost. But today she had been accepting that sentiment from complete strangers, many of whom had seen her freely shed tears at Alistair's funeral. It was no secret from the people that they had loved each other. It was plainly evident to all who had seen Istabella and Alistair together.

It was Istabella's acceptance of sentiment for her loss that lessened her hurt and anger at Zevran. He had made a promise to Alistair first and she knew Zevran would not have gone back on that. Istabella hated to admit it but she felt traces of shame and guilt at just how much of a cold shoulder she had given Zevran. When they turned out of the market district Istabella stopped and turned to face Zevran.

"I know you were only doing what Alistair asked you to do. After all he apparently managed to get to you before I did. It just angered me because I was the _one_ that was supposed to die, not _him_. He turned leadership over to me after Ostagar and regardless of him being the Senior Grey Warden by about six months; I was to do the deed! Oh I swear- if I he was here right now I would strangle him until he died a second time!" Istabella swore pacing up and down the dirt road.

Zevran coolly crossed his arms and looked at her. The reddish brown tattoo around her right eye that went up on part of her forehead seemed to glow vividly when she became angry or agitated. "Well I am glad you have finally decided to come around and acknowledge my innocent part in all this. I took an oath to serve you and be yours without reservation. That oath also included watching your back and keeping you alive. So therefore you cannot blame me in any way as I kept you alive per my oath, regardless of what Alistair made me promise."

Istabella stopped pacing and narrowed her eyes. "Yes, that may be so but you swore to serve me so you should have gone back on your word to Alistair. Which means as my man without reservation you were oath bound to follow my orders!"

Zevran, enjoying her anger a little too much, shook his head in exasperation. "My oath to you said nothing about following your orders specifically. Only that I am here to serve and guard you. If you had wanted me to follow orders you should have been more specific. But this is all moot as the Blight is over with and what is done is done Istabella. There is no changing the past, only moving on into the future."

Istabella swore before turning on her heel and stalked off down the street. Zevran knew he had hit a sore point and that she knew he spoke the truth. Locking herself in her room and getting drunk was not going to help her move on.

He caught up with her and grasped her arm. As he stepped in front of her he saw she was quickly trying to hide fresh tears seeping from her eyes. Gently he put his hand to her face.

"Istabella, do not cry mi amore. No more sorrow my lovely warden. I am sorry if my words sounded harsh but they were the truth. You know that just as well as I do." Zevran said softly.

He wiped away her sadness with his fingers tracking the curves of her cheek and jaw lightly. How long had he waited to caress her skin like this? He wanted more than to touch.

Istabella took a shuddering breath feeling both elated and shamed at the reactions her body was having to his touch. It felt so good but the ugly emotion of betrayal rose up in her. She felt like she was betraying Alistair so soon after his death. She had always been attracted to Zevran ever since their first meeting. He was funny, witty, flirty, naughty and just plain great company to be around.

But her body, love and loyalty had belonged to Alistair when he was alive. Now that he was gone her body was responding to another man and it left her scared and unsure of herself.

"Zevran, I can't…..it…it is too soon. I don't know what or how to feel right now." Istabella said taking his hands from her face and backing away. Her skin burned where his hands had just been a moment ago.

"I understand…" Zevran began but was interrupted when his arms were yanked up behind him.

Before Istabella could draw out her weapons a large and beefy arm closed around her throat. "I got her boys! I got the bitch that killed Howe. Let's take care of the elf and get out of here." The man removed her sword from its scabbard and threw it into the dark.

Three more beefy sized men stepped out of the shadows all bearing brand new expensive armor and very sharp, shiny weapons.

Istabella could not believe what was happening _again_! Apparently someone else was pissed off at her now for killing a man that was a greedy, sniveling traitor. On top of that she had another bounty on her head? Maker's balls this was way more than she had bargained for when she joined up in the Grey Wardens!

As she struggled with the man that was twice her size she could see that Zevran had his situation well within control. He had easily freed himself from his captor and was methodically taking them out one by one. As for her captor it turned into a full blown wrestling match between them. She stomped down on his foot causing him to howl in pain and then stomped on the other one. His grip loosened on her enough to where she dropped down and rammed her gloved fist into his balls. The impact disabled the man's ability to breathe and he dropped to his knees.

Bad news on his part as she brought her knee up hitting him square in the nose. A loud popping came afterwards and the man howled with pain. She gave him a savage kick to the head that knocked him out.

Instinctively she reached for her sword but got nothing but air. She had only shield in which to defend herself with. Zevran had already taken out two of the attackers and was heading for a third one. The other man standing began to advance towards her mace held high and aimed right for her head. Istabella dodged his blow and danced around him striking out with her shield.

She was after his dead friend's sword and he seemed apparently aware of this. She couldn't get close enough to grab it without him swinging at her. It did not matter anyway as she flicked her eyes over to Zevran. He had made short work of the other man and was sneaking right up on this guy. Ducking low Zevran sliced the back of the man's ankles and knees severing his tendons. The man screamed out in pain before being silenced with one stab of Zevran's dagger.

"Are you all right mi amore?"Zevran asked moving her towards the fire light and checking for any wounds. Not that she would have any as she armed to the teeth in metal armor.

"I am fine Zevran. Are you okay?" Istabella asked looking at him.

"Never better-just a couple of scratches is all. Is the one you unmanned still alive?" Zevran asked sheathing his daggers.

Istabella nodded, "I think so. Hopefully my last kick to his head did not kill him. Should we get the guard or inspect them? Apparently someone yet again wants me dead."

"Inspect them first then we will get the guard. If there is another plot against you we need to make it public. Whoever is behind it will think twice before killing you _again_," Zevran suggested as they searched the dead men first.

"It is not the Crows is it Zevran? They don't look like the Crows." Istabella said pulling coin and miscellaneous items out of their pockets.

"No these men are not affiliated with the Crows as they are not dressed in the right garb for assassinating people. Their armor is too bulky for sneaking around. My guess is this might be one of the nobles whose fortune was tied to Howe in some fashion. Whoever it is, they are mightily pissed off about it. Whatever the case maybe, we need to get this one tied up." Zevran said looking about.

"Well that would work if we had rope or something to tie him up with." Istabella said looking around. She then got an idea as her eyes roamed on the dead men. "Or we could strip the tunic from one of them and cut strips?"

Zevran laughed. "My dear Warden I like the way you think. Let us deprive one of them of his shirt then."

Once the unconscious man was sufficiently trussed they sat him up against a building. He was starting to come around the more Zevran slapped him. Finally his eyes opened and he started cussing and groaning.

"Now that we have you coherent, who hired you, how much and why?" Istabella said yanking the man's head up by his hair.

He spat at her which resulted in part of his hair being ripped out. He let out a yelp and watched with loathing as Istabella dropped the hair to the ground.

"I ask again. Who hired you and why?"

"Suck me you spoiled bitch!" he snarled.

In a flash Zevran was in his face with a dagger poised at this eyeball. "Talk to the Warden Commander like that again and this will get popped out. Keep being an ass and I will cut your tongue out." To make his point Zevran sliced the man right underneath his eye.

It was only a little cut but he screeched like a dying man. Zevran shook his head and looked at Istabella. "Come mi amore. Let's get him back to the palace. He will not talk and we shouldn't stay out here in case another ambush comes."

After a swift kick in the ribs the man stood up and was dragged to the palace. When he was brought in the guards took him straight to the dungeon. As they watched him go Istabella sighed. Would she ever free herself from tangled plots and political intrigues?

"My Warden?" Zevran said coming up to her.

"I'm fine Zevran. I just need a hot bath and food. I will find a servant to take care of things. Sounds like dinner will be just about over now but I am not in the mood to explain myself to everyone. Explaining to Anora will be enough as it is." Istabella said rubbing her forehead with the palm of her hand.

"Understandable mi amore. Lock your door after you are settled in. I don't think anymore attempts will be made tonight but until we figure out what is going we should be careful. I will give everyone the rundown." Zevran said turning towards the dining hall.

Istabella smiled as he went then called out "Zevran?"

He turned to her, "Yes my warden?"

"Thank you." She said to him. It was a simple gesture but one that held many meanings.

He came back to her, taking her hand and kissing it. "I am always at your side mi amore."

Istabella watched him go into the dining hall where the sound of talking drifted into the hallway. She shook her head and smiled to herself as she headed up the stairs to her room.


	4. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 4

**Sorrows and Delights: Chapter 4**

"The fools! The idiotic careless fools!" The man swore in as he paced in front of Sarthia. "They said they could get the job done, bring her here and no one would be the wiser. Now you tell me that three of them are dead and one of them is in the palace dungeons?" His voice rose to the point of shouting. He had wanted the Warden-Commander brought here so he could do away with her in private.

"With all due respect master I did warn you about them. The Warden is not easily overtaken or captured by brute force. Let me use my skills to take her out personally. I was trained by the best as a bard and picked up quite a few skills from the Antivan Crows. I can blend in as a servant and no one would think to question me. The palace is extremely active right now due to the coronation that is to take place in three days. Let me go in alone and I will not only take care of the failure in the dungeon, but the Warden as well." Sarthia said in her light Orlesian accent.

The man scrutinized her as he considered her words. It was true Sarthia had never failed him in anything she had ever done. But he was wary of letting her do this task alone. The Warden seemed to have the most impeccable luck when it came to surviving. If he failed this time around the Bann in Amaranthine he served would be most displeased. But he could hardly control the Warden's survival ability when she was being threatened by death.

"Very well, how do you propose to kill our idiot friend in the dungeon?" The man asked pouring himself a cup of wine.

Sarthia displayed a pouch full a finely ground white substance. "Purified adder snake poison that is tasteless, colorless and odorless. Very rare to come by and devilishly expensive. A few sprinkles in food or drink and you are dead within a few hours. I can get it into his food or drink while in the palace but make his death look like a suicide."

The man smiled, "I like the idea of it. Last thing we need is for you to screw up and set off a poison scare in the castle. I want it done tonight before they have a chance to question him or worse, take him to Fort Drakon. The hour grows late and it will probably be dealt with in the morning. In the meantime, I will leave the killing of the Warden on you. If you fail, not only will you have me to deal with but the Bann as well. Get to the Warden _tonight _if possible. Failure at this point is not an option. To do so will bring dire consequences." To make his point the man's hands began to glow purple with a deadly shock spell.

Sarthia masked her fear, keeping her composure calm. "Understood my master. If all goes well both missions will be accomplished long before anyone realizes what happened." Sarthia bowed before leaving. She was beginning to wonder if she should have thrown her lot in with a high ranking noble from Amaranthine and a Tevinter mage. But her master had saved her from a traitor's death. Now she had to do his bidding and there was no room for argument. The benefits were not bad; she had a place to live, all her needs provided for and shelter from her enemies. She had a risky and danger filled job to do and so she set about gathering the servant clothes she had stolen.

She had learned the layout of the palace well enough to know where guards stood or when shifts changed. She had accomplished this by flitting in and out as not only a servant but also with the throng of vendors bringing in items for the coronation. She was not worried about getting caught or arousing suspicions. Ten years of being a bard in and out of Orlais had taught her how to keep cool and calm. She was in fact looking forward to this mission. It brought her a thrill knowing that she would soon be back in her element. Infiltrating and killing for hire. What could be better in life?

She changed, quickly concealing her daggers to where they would not be detected and headed to the palace. It was not quite late evening but she had a lot to do before she could make herself inconspicuous and play the waiting game. As she approached the servants' entrance she put on a servitude demeanor. She wanted to attract as little attention to herself as possible. The kitchens were filled with a chaotic mess of shouting, full and empty trays going in and out of the main door to the dining hall. Leftovers were ferried into a large bowl that would be divided up for the prisoners in the dungeon.

Going up to the old woman who ran the kitchen Sarthia said, "The dungeon guards are asking for the leftovers to be brought down if they are available."

The woman gave Sarthia a cursory glance and said peevishly, "Already? They are a bit early are they my girl?"

Sarthia shrugged looking at the red faced fleshy cheeked woman, "That is what I was told madam. I just go where I am ordered."

The old woman snorted impatiently then went to the cupboard to pull out bowls and handed them off to Sarthia. "Here take the bowls and the leftovers to that table in the corner and divide the portions evenly. When you are done I will send Toby with you to open the doors." The woman nodded to a young child about nine sweeping up the floor and keeping any clutter clear so the servants could move around easily.

Sarthia took the items to the corner and did as she was bid. This could not have worked out any better. Normally she knew if a mission was going to go smoothly or not. Tonight the first half of this mission was going well. As for the second half, if her luck held, killing the Warden would hopefully be just as smooth. But she was not for a minute overconfident that the Warden would be an easy target. The woman was a survivor and that male elf who followed her constantly was a hindrance.

But through servants gossip it reached her ears that the Warden ordered large amount of liquor at night. If that was true then she would not hear Sarthia picking the lock to her room. She would not even be aware Sarthia was there. One slice across the Warden's throat would silence her forever. Once again the thought of spilling blood using her well trained skills made her blood pump and sing. She was eager for action and could not wait to have satisfaction.

When she finished doling out the leftovers, she loaded the bowls onto a tray. The old woman yanked Toby's ear and told him to open the doors so Sarthia could bring the trays to the dungeon. They passed through a maze of corridors avoiding the main hall and going into a darker portion of the palace. Here those that were waiting for transfer to Fort Drakon were held at the most for two nights. All the more reason her mission tonight had to succeed. Once the idiot was in Fort Drakon it would be a lot harder to get to him.

To get to the holding cells she had to pass through a large gateway with an iron gate. Seeing she brought the nightly prisoner meal the guard raised the gate up for her and Toby. At the entrance to the stairs Toby turned and walked away without a word. Nervousness made her stomach clench but she kept her face calm and impassive. She walked down the stair and into the anteroom of the dungeon. Several guards were having their own meal as she came in.

One of them looked up at her and scrutinized her. "You are new aren't you?"

"Yes sir. I was instructed to bring this down to the prisoners," she said looking around nervously playing the part of intimidated servant. The guard seemed to notice this for his demeanor became a bit kinder.

"Cook is a bit early sending the prisoners food down isn't she?" he asked getting up and unlocking the iron door that led to the jail cells.

Sarthia shrugged, "I just do what I am told sir and that was to bring down and distribute the food."

"Go on my girl. The food holes are at the corner of each cell. All are full but the last two on the right." The guard motioned to the first one as an example.

Taking her tray and setting it on the table just inside the door, she began shoving the bowls into the cells. She quickly counted eleven cells which meant only nine were occupied. The smell down here was something left to be desired, human waste and unwashed bodies made for a nauseating atmosphere. She pitied the person who had to empty the waste buckets.

The second to the last cell on the left side held the man she was looking for. Looking back she saw that she was obscured from the guards. Taking the pouch out of her clothes she got the man's attention and motioned him closer.

"Who the devil are you?" he said growling quietly.

"I am sent by the man who hired you to kill the Warden. I don't have much time but there will be a pouch underneath your bowl. Sprinkle the contents into your food before you eat it." Sarthia said sliding the pouch and bowl through the slot.

"Why? How is a pouch of powdered shit going to me help in here?" the man said in irritation taking the items.

"My master says that it is a sleeping draught that brings on a fake death. To the guards you will appear dead and you will be taken out of here. My master says he will be waiting for you when they bring you out in the cart. He will kill the body carters and ferry you back to his home. You do want to be free don't you?" Sarthia asked growing nervous as the man was asking too many questions.

"You are kidding right? I am supposed to sprinkle this stuff on my food and I will be free by morning?" the man snorted with doubt.

"My master also says to tell you that he has secured safe passage of out Denerim with a large amount of coin so you can go anywhere you want." Sarthia said hurriedly.

"Coin and free passage to anywhere is it? All right, it still sounds like a crackpot idea but if it means getting me out of here I will do it." The man said reluctantly as he opened the pouch and did as she instructed.

Sarthia watched as he sprinkled enough on his food to kill twenty men. He made an attempt to hand the pouch back but she waved it away. "Master says to keep it hidden on you. He says you may have need of it down the road."

The man nodded and sat down on his bench and began eating. Already she had wasted too much time because of his questions. _Mission one is complete, she thought triumphantly_. Making him keep the pouch on his body would make it look like a suicide when he was found dead. If the guards tried to recall her they would be hard pressed too. She had arranged her hair and a servants coif and features to blend in with everyone else. She promptly delivered the remaining bowls of food and walked out of the cell block. She closed the jail doors behind her, nodded to the guard who promptly got up to lock it, and went up stairs to start the next mission.

* * *

><p>After a long, hot bath and food Istabella went to Anora's receiving chambers. She was sitting on a plush couch with a tea tray in front of her. She rose as Istabella came in, "Warden, I am so glad to know that you and Zevran were not harmed. This was not something I had expected to happen otherwise you would have more guards with you."<p>

Anora gestured for Istabella to sit across from her. "Thank you for your concern your majesty. Apparently someone or some people are extremely pissed off at me for killing Howe. It could be someone here in the city or it could be someone from Amaranthine. Problem is until we get a confession out of the man we brought back it will be impossible to tell. My companions and I will be alert for any suspicious activity or anyone out of the ordinary hanging around. Though I doubt a second attempt will be made tonight. Considering the debacle in the market street failed miserably." Istabella said, turning down a mug of tea the queen offered.

Anora let out a sigh, "With all the preparations going on for the ceremony it is easy to lose track of people. I will have the castle staff and guard informed that they are to be on alert and extra vigilant."

Istabella nodded, "That is advisable, and just to be cautious I want you to have extra guards posted outside your quarters. Their target is me but I do not want to take the chance of you becoming one."

"I did that just before you arrived Warden. Now to other matters, were you able to get to the allied camp?" Anora inquired.

Istabella shook her head, "No I didn't. Zev and I were on our way to see them when we were ambushed. I will do that first thing tomorrow though. Also with the Denerim guard diminished the port area is having problems with thieves. I caught some boys today who stole a merchant's coin purse. I instructed one of Sergeant Kylon's guards to take them to the dungeon to spend the night. Then they are to be taken to the Master Alik, the wood crafter, to be put to work in the morning. If they are in that bad of a need for money they can work for it like everyone else. But we need more guards down there or more frequent patrols."

Anora nodded, drumming her fingers on her mouth. "I will speak to the Sergeant and see what can be done. Maker knows we don't already have enough problems as it is."

* * *

><p>After her talk with Anora, Istabella decided not to go back to her room. Instead she went down to the Hall of Kings to spend some time alone at Alistair's tomb. The guards who usually stood there during the day were gone now. Only the flickering candlelight and the always burning bowls of incense graced the hall. With quiet reverence she made her way to the stone coffin he was buried in. The lid on top of him was flat and plain in design. Stone cutters were in the process of working on the lid that would carry a life size replica of him in death's perfect pose.<p>

With her fingers she traced the words carved into the stone base:

In War, Victory. In Peace, Vigilance. In Death, Sacrifice.

Join us, brothers and sisters.

Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant.

Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn.

And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

And that one day we shall join you.

Here lies Alistair Theirin, last of the line of King Calenhad.

Slayer of the Archdemon Urthemiel and Hero of Ferelden.

He shall always be remembered and never forgotten.

Walk in peace my love, for one day I shall join you.

Istabella's eyes filled with tears as she read the last sentence. These were the words she had inscribed for him. This was her personal legacy of love to share with future generations. She sat down on the floor in front of his tomb and wept softly. She did not think it was possible that the human body could hold that many tears. She did not allow herself to cry during the day or in front of anybody. A weeping, moping Warden-Commander was not what the people needed. But at night when she could throw off duty, her armor and be herself, then that is when she mourned.

"You still weep for me," a familiar voice said. Istabella looked up to see Alistair standing in front of her.

She knew this was a dream, a figment of her imagination, and yet it seemed so real. To her surprise Istabella was not alarmed but calm as she answered, "I will always weep for you. In the deepest, darkest part of my heart I always will. Why did you do it? You were not supposed too! I was supposed to die! You made me the leader, it was my responsibility not yours!"

The words came out harsh, grating and tear soaked, "It wasn't supposed to be you, it wasn't supposed to be you."

Soft fingers lifted her chin up and lightly brushed away tears. "It was my love, you just didn't know it. You have so much to live for now, a brother and a chance to start a new life. I had no real family, only those who cared for me and wanted to put me on the throne. I could not bear to see your life wasted in death and I could not bear to see you die. I loved you so much that my life was worth sacrificing for you."

The image of Alistair kneeled down before her, kissing her lightly on the lips. Istabella closed her eyes savoring the unreal touch. "You are dream," she whispered softly.

"I am a good dream. You will always be with me Istabella and I will always be with you. No more sadness my love, no more tears." Alistair said putting his forehead to hers and cradling her face. "And should you perish, know that one day you will walk beside me."

Istabella nodded trying to hold back sobs, but was unsuccessful. She felt him leave and the hall felt cold and empty. She crossed her arms over her chest and rocked trying to ease the pain. But it did not go away, even when Leliana entered quietly and took Istabella into her arms offering comfort.


	5. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 5

**Sorrows and Delights Chapter 5**

When she left the kitchens Sarthia snatched up a bucket of water that had been left unattended. She made her way up the servant's stairs to the fifth floor which was where the Warden-Commander and her companions resided. Most of them if not all would still be in the dining hall. She was not overly familiar with the fifth floor but knew that there would be empty rooms. She could slip into one of those and hide until late tonight. Then when all was silent, she would pick the lock on the Warden's door and take care of business. This plan she had was full of danger and things that could go wrong. But as long as she carefully calculated her timing and movement it would work without any hitches.

As she reached rooms where the companions slept she saw she had been right. All were empty and silent of occupants with the exception of one. As she approached the Warden's door she could see light coming from the small space between the wood and the floor. Was the Warden in her room? Surely her luck could not be this good? If the Warden was in there did Sarthia kill her now or wait as planned until tonight? What if someone came up from the hall and found her in the act?

Until she could get inside that room and assess the situation she could not decide. However the bucket she held provided the perfect way to get into the room. Smoothing her features into perfect calmness she knocked on the door. She could hear wood scraping against stone and voice from the other side said, "Yes?"

"Pardon me my lady, but I have been sent up with a fresh bucket of water for your Mabari." Sarthia said.

There was the sound of lock being unfastened then the door opened. Sarthia got her first glimpse of the Warden-Commander and knew at once she had her work cut out for her. Istabella was only a few inches taller but she was built tough, toned and very formidable looking. Her long dark hair was braided into plaits. Her face was rounded with a perfectly defined jaw. Istabella was not a "take your breath away" beauty but Sarthia could see that the it came from the inside. It was a proud and strong magnificence that emanated from her. A reddish brown tattoo above and to the side of her right eye completed Istabella's looks.

_The woman is certainly striking up on first sight,_ though Sarthia momentarily forgetting why she was there. Mesmerizing gold amber eyes looked inquiringly at Sarthia then to the bucket. Remembering herself she held up the bucket.

"The kitchen master wanted to make sure your hound had fresh water for this evening. Shall I put it in your room my lady?" Sarthia asked.

Istabella opened the door further and stepped back for her. "Just put it down by the other one. You can take the old bucket if you wish," Istabella said pointing to the rug in front of them.

It was the reception chamber Sarthia was being pointed into. Crossing the threshold she went over to the rug and sat down the bucket. She picked up the old one and turned around. The door was wide open but the Warden was no longer standing there. Sarthia went into the next room that was cheerfully lit by a fire and candlelight. To the right of the doorway was the large bed. Further in was a large fireplace that was several feet away from the bed. The Warden sat at a desk near the foot of the bed writing away in a journal. The leftover plates and utensils of a meal stood on a table in the corner.

Sarthia committed the layout of the room to memory. The only issue to deal with was the hound. More than likely it slept on the rug in front of the fire. This would give Sarthia the advantage of utilizing the left side of the bed for her attack. The door would only be a few steps away to leave by when the job was done. With the servant's back stairs so close she could go down those and slip out of the castle unnoticed. The plan so far was absolutely fool proof and she almost laughed out loud. But she did not get cocky. Anything could wrong on a job so she never underestimated the danger of a situation or her chosen victim.

Sarthia stepped into the doorway looking one last time. "My lady, shall I take your dishes for you?" Sarthia inquired.

Istabella turned from her journal nodding, "Yes thank you."

Sarthia put the bucket down and approached the table taking the heavy tray. The meal looked at least a couple hours old. At least three plates were piled on it and all were wiped clean. _Where does that woman put all this food?_ Sarthia thought as she carefully arranged the tray so it did not unbalance itself.

The Warden had turned back to her journal and continued writing, not paying Sarthia anymore attention. How easy it would be for the assassin to sink one of her daggers into the Warden now. But someone like her was much better taken out when asleep.

Picking up the old water bucket Sarthia left the room stopping only to close the door. Sarthia however had no intention of taking the items down to the kitchens. Setting them down on a nearby table she quickly picked the lock of the nearest room. It took her a few moments but when she heard the latch let loose she grinned. Pushing the door open she quickly carried the tray and bucket inside and shut the door. This room was perfect for her to hide in. She shoved the bucket and tray under the bed and settled in to wait.

"Zevran may I ask you something?" Leliana said propping her feet up on the chaise lounge in the comfortably furnished foyer. The wing of the fifth floor that everyone was housed in had a private foyer complete with cushions and chairs for lounging, as well as a large fireplace, game tables and shelved of books.

"Of course." Zevran said looking at her.

"Well you never told us exactly what happened on the roof of Fort Drakon. I mean between you and Istabella. She seemed so angry at you after... well you know, after." Leliana commented softly not wanting to say "Alistair's death".

The room went quiet as Wynne, Oghren, Sten, Fergus and Shale looked up from what they were doing observing the pair.

Zevran felt like he was being put on the spot. He had given everyone a brief rundown of what had happened on the roof. But he had not mentioned the promise that had been kept and the other one that had been broken. It seemed the events of that entire day had occurred a long time ago, not just six days ago.

Zevran sighed loudly. He figured the question was eventually going to come up anyway; may as well get everything out in the open. "Istabella was angry because I made a promise. She made me promise that when the time came I would keep Alistair distracted so she could kill the Archdemon. I said I would but I did not keep that promise. Alistair, however, had approached me first. He made me promise to continue to hold my oath to Istabella. That I would be her man without reservation and to serve her until she released me. That oath also including keep her alive. So when the time came I prevented Istabella from taking the final blow and let Alistair do it instead. Our Warden was quite angry as you can imagine. I had betrayed her, she told me, which technically I had not. I was keeping my original oath I had made to her when she spared me and keeping the promise Alistair wheedled out of me."

"Well she seems to have forgiven you, to a certain extent." Leliana said haltingly.

Zevran shrugged, "I think our dear Warden is realizing that I was doing what was best for her and for Alistair. I keep my oaths and my promises."

Oghren belched loudly then snorted, "Sure you did the best thing for her. Or did you do what was best for yourself?"

Zevran raised an eyebrow at Oghren, replying coolly, "If I wanted Istabella for myself I would have stolen her a long time ago. But I did what Alistair asked me to do. He did not want to see her waste her life needlessly when there was a chance her brother was still alive. He did not want to see her die when she had so much future ahead of her. I did what needed to be done because I honor my oaths."

Oghren rolled his eyes not believing the elf for a second. "Sure fancy fingers whatever you say. Just saying is all."

"All right you two enough. We all did what we had to stop the Blight and there is no point on dwelling on why we did what we did. Or what ulterior motives another person may have had." Wynne said sternly looking between Zevran and Oghren. "What is important now is that Istabella knows we are here for her when she needs our support."

Both Oghren and Zevran dropped the matter of exactly who had Istabella's best interests at heart. Fergus studied Zevran for a bit as he returned to his conversation with Leliana. He knew the ways of men and women and Zevran definitely had a thing for his sister. That made him a little concerned for Istabella. As the protective older brother he was worried Zevran would prey upon Istabella due to her emotional instability. Istabella was still in pain though she did not display it publicly. He felt he needed to have a talk with her and some alone time. He wanted her to reassure him about Zevran's intentions and be confident that she could handle what came her way.

Rising off his chair he said, "Speaking of my sister I will go see what she is up too. More than likely she is writing away in her journal. I know her and I need to sit down with you all and figure out a plan to take back Castle Cousland."

"Fergus, make her come out for a little while if you can. I will see if I can get her to join us in a card game. It will do her good to get out of that room and not get drunk for a change." Leliana said good naturedly.

Promising to do his best Fergus walked down the hall and knocked on his sister's door. When he heard her voice, he stepped into her bed chamber.

"Uh huh, just as we thought, you are writing again." Fergus plopped himself in a chair at the dining table. "I was sent here to drag you out for a card game and some gambling."

"I am writing down the events of the past eleven months. I figured that the next generation can read about the experience of the Blight first hand. Plus it helps me emotionally in dealing with Alistair's death." Istabella said capping the ink well and cleaning the quill pen.

Fergus looked at her speculatively asking, "And how are you doing in dealing with it?"

Istabella shrugged and turned to her brother, "Like anyone else I guess. During the day I put on Warden Commander demeanor and at night I get senselessly drunk and cry a lot. I visit his tomb once a day, though it hurts to be confronted with that reminder."

Fergus watched her turn to the desk drawer and pull a box out. "Anyway I am glad you came in. I have news for you. Anora will be sending an official royal decree declaring that Highever is now and forever the in possession of the Cousland family. Howe subjects and any remaining family must relinquish all assets. If not they will be subject to the Crown's choice of punishment." Istabella grinned wickedly. "That will give a hearty slap to any Howe relations that are in our home."

This made Fergus smile with relief. He would have much rather gone in through the front doors anyway rather than sneak in. "Good! Now what has she said if we meet resistance?" he asked slyly

Istabella gave him the same sly fox of a smile, "She didn't. This means we are free to handle the situation ourselves as necessary, I'm assuming. The 'don't ask, don't tell routine'. Now for the second item on the agenda. When the castle was attacked I rescued this off Oriana. For some reason the guards did not take them."

Istabella handed the box over to Fergus. She watched his eyes grow moist as he took the ring and necklace in his hand. He cradled them against his cheek. She understood perfectly how he felt, for she felt the same way when she called up memories of her and Alistair.

Fergus sniffed and placed Oriana's ring next his. "Thank you sister. I would have never thought to ask you for these. I am glad you took them."

Brown eyes met amber eyes and each knew that the other one would be all right. Istabella took Fergus's hand saying, "So am I. We may have lost our family but at least we still have each other. We can rebuild mother and father's legacy together. I don't know what the future holds for me just yet but I will be at your side for as long as possible."

Fergus grinned and yanked her up into a fierce hug. "Maker I hope so! It is going to be hard going into our home and see it desecrated by Howe. If we can survive the year we both have had, we can survive anything."

Istabella hugged Fergus just as fiercely. "I am by your side always brother. Now didn't you say something about a card game and gambling?"


	6. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 6

**Sorrows and Delights: Chapter 6**

**Istabella's Journal**

_9:30 Dragon Age __Month of Haring 7__th__ Day-Denerim's Royal Palace:_

_If I could say one thing about the Grey Wardens it is this: there is NEVER a dull moment when you are one. Especially when you are one who helped defeat the Blight, kills an Arl for the murder of her family and is put in command of the armies of Ferelden. And all in one year's time._

_However anyone who thinks about becoming a Grey Warden needs to consider their decision carefully. All my actions seem to have sent bounty hunters and assassins galore on my ass. I did not realize I would be THAT popular. Today we were able to sweep the port section of Denerim with an all clear on any hiding darkspawn. I never made it to the allied camp due to another attempt from someone that tried to take me out. Although this time it seemed they preferred me alive instead of dead. Hopefully the fool we captured will confess as to who is behind the attack. Guards have been double posted at all the entrances to the palace just in case. But whoever hired this hit will not attempt it again, for now anyway, or so I hope._

_Anora has sent messengers to the main cities in the Free Marches and Orlais requesting aid if it can be spared. Building supplies, grain, and if possible extra hands to help rebuild. Unlike her father, Anora is not afraid of another Orlesian invasion. I had read the letters between Cailan and the Empress Celene of Orlais found in the King's chest at Ostagar. For all my politeness and respectfulness I still do not care for Anora that much, but I believe she made a wise move. _

_Here in the palace preparations are being made for an official ceremony that confirms Anora's place as queen. It will also be a ceremony honoring Alistair as the Hero of Ferelden, myself, my companions and our allies. If it wasn't for all of us finding each other, defeating this Blight would have been so much harder. Now that I have bathed, gorged myself on food, and am getting loaded with alcohol, I am ready to continue my story. It is easier to write when I am inebriated since it dulls the pain. _

_After leaving my parents to their fate Duncan, Drake and I found the back entrance guarded by heavily armed soldiers. It was difficult to get out of the castle and they put up quite the fight. But my rage and grief over this huge loss and the desecration of my home fueled my fighting spirit. Without mercy I dealt each soldier their death. I was brutal in my slaying of these men. Limbs were hacked off followed by stabbing of the head or throat area. I was determined to spill as much enemy blood as possible. By the time dawn came we had traveled a good distance away from Highever. Even from where we stopped to rest I could still see the smoke from the fires at the estate. _

_I sat down in the shadow of a tree next to Drake, staring blankly ahead of me. I became aware that my hands were sore and hurting. Looking down I saw that not only were they blistered from so much fighting but they were covered in blood. It was my father's blood from when I had tried to stop his wound from bleeding. The shock of the night's events hit me then in an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions. I began to sob bitterly at the loss of my family, my home, and my Rory. I was thankful that at least two members of my family yet lived; Fergus and my faithful hound Drake. After resting for a short while Duncan roused me up and headed south towards Ostagar._

_For the weeks we traveled I cursed the Howe family and even Duncan. At the time I did not want to be a Grey Warden. My duty, my life was back in Highever where I belonged, either dead or alive. Bitterness bled into me and poisoned my soul. _

_When we reached Ostagar that morning Duncan and I were met by King Cailan himself. I had met him briefly only a few times when we had visited the royal court. After introductions were done I promptly told Cailan I needed to find my brother. When Cailan heard what had happened he was thoroughly shocked. He promised that once the battle here was done he would march his armies straight to Highever to help me deal with Howe. I protested that I needed to find my brother now, but it fell on deaf ears. They were not going to let me get away to find him._

_With my plan shot to hell, I listened as Duncan and Cailan talked about the Grey Wardens. Cailan seemed to regard them highly, almost to a godlike status. I had always liked Cailan but he was a rather naïve king. After spending a few moments in his company it was not hard to see that. He was fully convinced the Blight could be defeated here and now. I, like Duncan, had my doubts. I voiced my concerns to Duncan and he agreed with me. _

"_With all due respect Duncan, not only is the King seemingly naïve but a fool as well. From what you have told me about the darkspawn army you glimpsed Ferelden could be in deep shit really quick. I know for a fact we do not have the manpower to win here," I said in a matter of fact tone as we walked to the bridge that linked the Tower of Ishal to the army encampment._

"_True enough but it is best not to say things like that out loud in camp. Cailan is doing everything possible to keep moral up and the Grey Wardens were allowed back in Ferelden just twenty years ago or so. I do not wish for us to get thrown out again due to disrespect." Duncan admonished me as I bent to scratch Drake's head. _

_I shrugged and let the subject rest. Either way to me the king was still the naïve fool here. But he was a kind and happy go lucky fool who talked to everyone no matter their rank. Which meant Anora was the brains and practicality behind the running of the kingdom. _

_Duncan showed me the layout from the bridge spanning the valley below. I could go anywhere in the camp but the area around the Tower was off limits for the time being. _

"_The Grey Wardens are camped on the other side of Cailan's main tent. We already have a tent setup for you there. Take some time and look around before getting something to eat. The mess hall is over by the quartermaster's forge and they serve meals all day long. Get some hot food and relax a bit. Then when you are ready I want you to seek out another Grey Warden named Alistair. He will be helping you to prepare for the Joining," Duncan said pointing across the bridge where the entrances to camps were. _

_The Joining? I tried to go back into my Grey Warden history to see if I could remember what takes place during the Joining. But I could not recall anything that came to mind. Most of what was written down described it as an initiation process to become a Grey Warden. I wasn't overly concerned about it so I did not give the matter anymore thought. I was here to be a Grey Warden whether I liked it or not. _

_Duncan left me then taking my hound with him. He felt it best till Drake could get used to all the people and the noise. I followed behind at a much slower rate observing the breathtaking scenery around me. Across the gorge the Tower of Ishal stood proud and tall. One of the few buildings that was fully intact and not reduced to a crumbling ruin. One thing about Tevinter was that they knew how to make things last. On either side of Ostagar were majestic rolling hills and sharp craggy mountains rising high in the sky. _

_The one thing I did refuse to do was look down. I hated heights and was scared to death of them. Even as a child I never climbed trees or scaled up walls like some of the other children did. I got teased relentlessly about my fear but I was more interested in not breaking my neck. I easily found my way around camp since the initial area inside the old Tevinter ruin was small. It was outside of the ruin that the tents were packed together so close you barely had room to get in and out._

_I stopped to watch the mages practice their spells, ran into one of the enchanters from the circle by the name of Wynne, and by sheer luck found the other two recruits. Ser Jory was a knight originally from Redcliffe but was recruited in Highever. In fact he knew of me and my family and so addressed as me as My Lady Cousland. It was nice to hear that spoken again. I was noble blood after all, regardless of my being recruited into the Wardens. _

_The other recruit was a cutpurse by the name of Daveth. A nice guy but he was always picking up or propositioning the women when he was not sneaking around. Both men I did not much care for at all. But they were going to be my brothers soon so I figured I may as well learn to get used them. I found the mess tent right where Duncan said it was. Ser Jory and Daveth had arrived there right before I did so when we got our food we sat together talking about how we ended up here. Daveth, like me, was conscripted as he was to be hanged as a repeat offender thief. Ser Jory was chosen after winning some type of small tournament. Apparently my life was not the only colorful one here._

_Once we had filled our bellies Daveth and Jory showed me the Grey Warden camp and where my tent was. Cailan's tent was hard to miss as it was a bright blue and yellow sticking out among a sea of white canvas. _

_My tent was small but cozy nonetheless. A small fire brazier stood in the middle of the tent. A fur pallet with a pillow lay against the back wall and a simple armor stand in the corner. I was grateful for the fur pallet as it was very cold here in the south. Winter was in full swing and the air had a bite to it as if it wanted to either snow or rain. _

_I deposited my pack and left in search of Alistair. Duncan needed us to go into the Kocari Wilds before early afternoon for some unknown reason. I did not know what exactly; I just knew that we were to meet him around noon at the main fire by Loghain's and Cailan's meeting tents. The quartermaster pointed me in the direction of a large stone patio. As I came up the stairs I could hear two voices talking, one annoyed and angry, the other innocent with a hint of humor and sarcasm. _

_However I was not prepared for the man that went along with this voice. Alistair was a golden haired, amber eyed beauty of a man. He had this giddy naïve air about him, very similar to Cailan's yet different. _

_As the mage stalked off he turned and smiled at me. "You know one good thing about the Blight, it really brings all of us together." _

_I was caught off guard by this not sure if he was being funny or sarcastic or maybe both._

"_Excuse me?" I said in confusion._

"_Oh nothing. Say you wouldn't happen to be a mage would you?" he asked carefully backing up a step somewhat._

_I was wearing metal armor, my sword and shield. Surely he did not think I looked like a mage. "Would it bother you if I was?" I asked quirking a smile._

_He held his hands up and waved them back and forth. "No, no. I just would like to know ahead of time if I am to get turned into a toad is all."_

"_Well I am no mage as if you can't tell and I don't think mages can turn people into toads. They can set your ass on fire or freeze it maybe but toad turning is not one of their specialties," I said in my own version of sarcastic humor._

"_Hahaha. You're funny!" he chided right back grinning, and then sobered up. "Wait we haven't met yet have we?"_

_I shook my head. "No we haven't. My name is Istabella."_

"_Right you are one of the new recruits. I am Alistair in case you haven't figured out. Glad to meet you. As the junior member of the order I will accompany you to prepare for the joining. You know there have never been many women in the Grey Wardens. I wonder why that is?" he said looking at me intently. _

_I swear to high heaven I started blushing! I have never been able to NOT look someone directly in the eye when they were speaking to me. But the way he was looking at me I could not tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I did not even know how to react to him. Was Alistair saying something good or something insulting? _

"_Why haven't there been many women Grey Wardens? We can fight just well and just as hard as any man. Do you want more women in the Grey Wardens?" I asked scrutinizing him. _

_Now it was his turn to squirm a bit. "Well yes I guess. Granted hanging around men is very manly, bolsters brotherhood ties and all; but women can be much more intelligent to talk to sometimes. I don't know it is just a nicer, softer touch having women around I guess…Please stop looking at me like that," he said nervously. _

_I had my eyebrows raised up and he began to stutter a bit since I had him on the spot. This naïve boy-man was too much fun to poke fun at. I was going to enjoy any time we spent together immensely, even though I hated the idea of being a Warden._

"_Sorry I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. At any rate Duncan sent me to get you," I said in an apologetic manner. _

"_Ah then it is time. If you have any questions just ask away otherwise lead on," he said looking at me expectantly. _

_Wait a minute, he was the older warden yet he was asking me to lead? I could tell already by his demeanor that he was not a man that led people. He was a man that followed leaders. The continuing saga of this adventure had just gotten a whole lot more interesting._

"_So tell, me what happens to those who don't want to be a Warden? From what I am to understand once you are scripted you either join or die," I asked petulantly as we strolled through the camp._

"_In a manner of speaking, yes. Regardless of race, age, social status anyone can be conscripted into the Wardens. Though it is not done often as it can backfire on us," Alistair explained._

_I stopped for a minute thinking. "So the only way to get out of it is to die?" I said trying to make sense of it._

_Alistair too stopped walking and turned to me. "Yes. Why?" _

_I met his gaze straight on saying, "Well perhaps fate will be on my side today. It is not like I have a choice on being here." _

_I had not meant to say that out loud but keep that last thought to myself. Alistair looked at me cocking his head._

"_So you are not here by choice? What did you do to get conscripted?" he asked me._

_I think my feelings on the subject of my conscription reflected on my face. He took a step back as I said, "No I am not here by choice. Preservation of my life was the reason for it! I do not belong here nor do I want to be. If I had my choice I would have died by doing my duty and defending my family!" _

_At this point I decided to shut up about Highever. Thinking about leaving my parents and Rory, even father had pleaded me too, still ripped me apart inside. The intensity of my emotion must have flustered him a little or made him uncomfortable._

"_Hey listen I am sorry, I…I did not mean to pry or anything," he said apologetically._

"_Never mind, forget I said anything. Maybe if I am lucky I will meet my death here," I muttered then started walking away hastily. By this time I am sure Alistair thought I was completely crazy or a suicidal manic. _

_We found Duncan, Jory and Daveth waiting for us by a large bonfire that felt good against the cold air. We were going out into the Wilds to collect fresh darkspawn blood and see if we could find the cache of Grey Warden treaties. These treaties allowed us to call upon allies around Ferelden who have pledged to fight a Blight if it arises. Duncan figured that these would come in handy if the Blight was not defeated here. So us four set off into the Kocari Wilds in search of darkspawn blood and treaties. _

_Drake remained at Duncan's side as it would not be safe for him to go out and battle darkspawn. He had not yet been exposed to darkspawn blood and until he built up immunity to it, it would make him very sick and kill him in the end. Duncan said he had some stuff he could give Drake that would build up his system against the taint and was completely harmless. Reluctant to leave my hound Alistair reassured me he would be all right. My hound seemed happy as a pig in mud with Duncan so I petted him, told him to behave and headed off out the main gate._

_Our first kill test was a pack of wild wolves that decided we were an easy meal. No sweat there, then we ran into a scouting party that had been attacked by darkspawn. There was only one survivor left who was badly wounded. I tended his wounds and patched him up as best I could. It was enough to where he could stumble back to camp. That is when the true colors of Ser Jory came out in full force._

"_Did you hear that? An entire scouting party killed by darkspawn? How many of these things can the four of us slay, a dozen, a hundred? There is an entire army in these forests. This is foolish and reckless, we should go back," he said looking around nervously._

"_Overcoming dangers like this is not only part of our test but from what I understand is what we will have to face as Grey Wardens. You cannot possibly be turning into a coward now? You fear will ultimately get you killed," I said with a derisive snort. _

"_I am no coward! I am just saying that there are only four of us here. What if we run into a situation we can't handle?" he said indignantly._

_Alistair stepped in at this point. "Calm down Ser Jory. We will be fine if we are careful. Know this- all Grey Wardens can sense darkspawn before they appear. I guarantee you they won't take us by surprise. That is why I am here." _

_Daveth grinned at Jory. "You see Ser Knight we might die out here but at least we will be warned about it."_

"_Maker's ass, am I the only one here with balls of steel and not afraid of a little fighting? Or dying for that matter?" I said shaking my head exasperated. _

_The men just turned and looked at me weird before Alistair commented, "You know bloodlust is a very alluring trait." He stared at me intently again. I think at this point I got unmanned by the man's stare. I gave him a quirky smile saying, "Well then why don't we all be alluring and go kill things instead of standing around here!" _

_Daveth snorted and laughed with approval, Jory was still looking at me funny and Alistair… well it was hard to know what was he was thinking. He was still looking at me. Covering up my nervousness I took the map as the boys could not seem to read it ass over end and took the lead. _

_While walking on the road that would lead us to the old Warden outpost I came across a beautiful and sweet smelling flower. Daveth came up to me as I inspected the flower saying, "Hey that is the flower the kennel master was asking about in a case anyone went into the Wilds. He said it would cure the sick Mabari hounds that had swallowed to much darkspawn blood. He was offering a reward for it so thought I would tell you."_

_I took the flower with me and put it in safe place in my pack. We continued on a little further when Alistair tensed up. _

"_Darkspawn!" he hissed drawing his weapon. _

_I looked around and did not see a thing. But the smell on the other hand, was so nauseating and horrid that I have no words to describe it. I nearly lost my breakfast and in front of us were six of the vile creatures. I will admit I was NOT prepared for this. But not wanting to seem like I had lost my steel balls I unsheathed my weapons and went into attack mode. _

_We waited until the things got closer then launched our attack. As if the smell was not enough they looked even worse. Best I can say is something out of a nightmare with crude weapons, sharp teeth and very stinky. But I held my ground and bashed the first one that rushed towards me with my shield. He hit the ground hard and I was right on top of him striking at the vulnerable places. It did not take long to finish him off and so as the boys handled the other two, I took off straight for the archers. _

_These were smaller and much easier to kill. It took them longer to drop their bows and to go for the crude daggers they wore. As I ran at them I was able to block the arrows and went to town in a spree of bloody strikes. The first two I sent flying hit the ground hard, stunning them for a bit. The one standing in front of me got my sword through his skull. The other two were still dazed and I was able to make short work of them. _

_By the time the boys reached me I was kicking over the bodies studying them. I could hear Ser Jory losing his breakfast in the bushes. I looked to Daveth saying, "Well at least three of us will be able to smell them before they hit. These are the nastiest things I have ever seen."_

"_Yes and to think there is a massive horde of these things," he said bending down and getting a closer look. _

"_And that would be your first experience as future Grey Wardens with darkspawn," Alistair said coming up with Ser Jory. _

_Ser Jory was green around the gills and looked as if he had vomited up his liver. "Well at least one thing is certain life as a Grey Warden will be anything but dull. This is going to be so much better than being dead along with your family," I said sarcastically as the realization hit me that I was in this for good and there was no turning back._

_Alistair looked at me quizzically, but I waved my hand saying I did not want to talk about it. We pressed on through wilds getting the blood we needed and finding the old outpost where the treaties were supposed to be. I ran into my first Hurlock at that old ruin and I must say that was the most difficult one to kill. The thing was twice as tall as I was and fully armored. The thing was also wielding a nasty looking battle axe that at one point would have taken my head off if I had not ducked. It took Alistair, Jory and I to kill the damned thing. _

_When we searched the outpost we found only a cracked empty chest. There was nothing more to do here so we prepared to head back. But apparently we were not the only ones in this ruin. _

_That was our first meeting with the apostate Morrigan, daughter of Flemeth, aka the Witch of the Wilds. Flemeth had taken possession of the treaties to keep them safe from treasurer hunters or other unsavory folk. We followed Morrigan back to the hut where she and her mother lived. _

_Flemeth was an interesting old woman to say the least. She definitely had an air of being very old and very batty. With time running short and darkness coming on we retrieved the scrolls and with the help of Morrigan returned to Ostagar. We found Duncan and gave him the darkspawn blood. He said it would be sometime before the Joining would begin._

_So he sent us off to the camp for some hot food and rest. It would be a late night for us as after the Joining, the battle of Ostagar was to begin. Already the army was moving into place ready to go. I dropped the wild flower off to the kennel master, got a hot meal and went to my tent with Drake at my side once again. After eating I took the chance to sleep for a bit with my Drake curling up close to the brazier. _

_After a couple hours I was roused up by Daveth to say that Duncan was ready for us. Alistair took us up to the area where I had met him the first time. Ser Jory was already starting to blubber like a coward again. I finally told him to either find his balls and be a man or shut up. Daveth snorted with laughter and Alistair shook his head. Duncan arrived a few short minutes later with a chalice in hand filled with a dark viscous liquid of adulterated darkspawn blood. _

"_At last we come to the Joining. We say only a few words before the ceremony but they have been said since the beginning. Alistair if you would," Duncan asked inquiringly._

_Alistair bowed his head reciting, "Join us brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you." Alistair looked up sober now and staring at me with those lovely eyes of his. _

_The air was thick with anticipation and trepidation. "Daveth step forward," Duncan intoned holding out the cup. _

_Daveth drank the noxious brew a grimace coming over his face. After a few seconds he bent over shaking as the darkspawn blood raced through his system. He seemed to take the blood until he doubled over holding his stomach and making choking sounds. After a few seconds he collapsed on the ground and did not move._

"_Makers breath!" Jory said in a horrified whisper. _

_I thought I was prepared for darkspawn but I was in fact really, really unprepared for this. I found myself stepping back as Duncan brought the cup to Ser Jory. His fear finally took full hold of him and he refused the cup. Duncan however continued to advance on him but Ser Jory panicked and tried to attack him. Duncan easily side stepped the long sword and stuck his own sword right in Jory belly. _

"_I am sorry," Duncan said remorsefully as Jory slid down the front of Duncan's torso. Duncan sheathed his sword and picked up the chalice offering it to me._

_I took the chalice reluctantly as he said, "But the Joining is not yet complete. You have been called upon to submit yourself to the taint. From this moment you are a Grey Warden."_

_I took a deep breath and drank the vile stuff. It was thick and coated my tongue and throat as it went down. The worst part about it was the burning sensation. As the liquid filtered in my veins it felt like my body was on fire. I could see and hear the darkspawn everywhere as I fell to the ground gasping in pain. The last thing I remember was putting my hands over my ears as the Archdemon rose up before me singing his dark song that called me forth. _

_When I awoke it was to a warm dog breath and a wet tongue caressing my face. Moaning I attempted to pull myself up by wrapping my arms around Drake's neck. But I was so disoriented that I couldn't hold on. I then felt arms gently lifting me up to standing position. _

_I opened my eyes to see Duncan standing in front of me smiling. "Welcome. How do you feel?" he asked._

_I held my hands out and examined myself. "I am not dead? Damnation! Since the trip into the Kocari Wilds didn't kill me I was hoping the Joining would. Well since I am here and you are asking, I feel hung over and there is a nasty taste in my mouth," I said trying to work up enough liquid so I could spit._

"_Here chew on this. It will help with the dry mouth and taste," Duncan said giving me a minty bundle to chew on. I have to admit the wild mint worked like a charm and tasted good. _

_As I chewed Alistair handed me a glass vial with the griffin symbol on it. I took it from him and examined it. _

"_It is some of the blood you drank. Each Warden gets a small pendant to remember those who did not make it this far," he explained as I reluctantly put it around my neck. As if it wasn't bad enough I had the constant reminder of what I was flowing through my veins. _

"_When you are ready I want you to head down towards that large table down the way. The king has requested your presence before the battle." Duncan said pointing in front of him._

_I looked down the dais to see Cailan and a dark haired man talking. I frowned at Duncan. "Why does he want to see me? Surely he has more important people to consult with."_

_Duncan shrugged. "I do not know but he has requested your presence. I would suggest you hurry. The battle planning is in its final stages." With that Duncan turned and walked down the ramp._

_Alistair looked at me and started to say something but then shook his head. "I am headed back the Grey Warden camp to prepare. I will see you there." _

_I watched him go then quickly followed Duncan. Cailan and Loghain were in a hot debate about whether or not the king should be putting himself on the frontlines. Cailan was going to fight with the army and the Wardens. Loghain warned him not to since he had no heir and they were outnumbered. I have to admit I agreed with Loghain. It was foolish for Cailan to fight on the front lines. If the battle went wrong, Ferelden could not afford to lose her king. _

_When Loghain realized he would not be able to talk Cailan out of it they went back to strategizing. I only half listened to them as they talked and only perked up when they mentioned me, Alistair, and the Tower of Ishal._

"_What? You mean I am not going to be fighting in the battle?" I said incredulously._

_Duncan turned to me saying, "Lighting the signal beacon is dire. Loghain won't know when to charge unless it is lit. Once that is done you can join in the battle."_

_I sighed and wanted to roll my eyes but caught myself. "Well I can just go by myself and light it. You need every person possible in the battle."_

_Duncan shook his head. "Even one more person will make little difference and you heard the king. You and Alistair will light the beacon."_

_Not wanting to make a scene or an ass of myself I bowed in consent. When the meeting was done I was instructed by Duncan to get Alistair from the camp and meet him at the main fire._

_Alistair was in complete agreement with me. "What? I am not going to be in the battle either?" he said incredulously._

"_Cailan needs that beacon lit and he is relying on you two to do it. The king has that much confidence in you and the rest of us Wardens." Duncan said firmly leaving room for no argument._

"_All right, all right I get it. But just so you know if he ever asks me to put on a dress and dance the Remigold, I am drawing the line there." _

_Despite myself I snorted with laughter, "I think I would actually like to see you do that. Could be quite entertaining you know."_

_Alistair grinned at me, "Yes I will just shimmy on down the line in front of the darkspawn. Then the battle will stop and we will have a good long laugh." _

_Duncan could only sigh and shake his head. "Stay in the tower until you are sent for. Remember that you are both Grey Wardens and I expect you both to act as such."_

_We nodded in unison as Alistair said, "May the Maker watch over you Duncan."_

"_Maker watch over us all." He said nodding at us then going to find the king. That was the last I ever I saw of Duncan. _

_I stood there looking at Alistair and thinking that this was going to be a very, very long night for all of us. _


	7. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 7

**Sorrows and Delights Chapter 7**

Istabella was deep asleep when the sound of banging and crashing in her room woke her up. She squinted in the dim light of the room, groggy and disoriented and saw Zevran fighting with another person. The fire had burned low but it was enough to see by and she saw the silver steel colors of daggers flying. Istabella immediately rolled herself onto the floor. She reached for her short sword next to the bed and prepared to enter the fray. However things did not quite happen the way she planned. The attacker smashed a tankard on Zevran's head and sent him staggering into the small receiving room. The assailant then turned around and stabbed Drake, who went down with a tremendous yelp.

Istabella felt the cold iron grip of fear as she lunged to get to her dog, but the attacker prevented her from doing so. The person lunged at Istabella so fast that the impact sent both of them backwards onto the bed. Istabella was forced to drop her sword in order to subdue the attacker's hands. They held the most lethal daggers she had ever seen and it was apparent this intruder was bent on killing her swiftly. The attacker, she realized all of a sudden, was a female.

The wrists she held were small and soft to the touch. No man she knew of had hands like that. Either way it did not matter as the woman sitting on top of her was fast, quick and surprisingly strong. It took all of Istabella's skill to keep a hold of those daggers. But the attackers still managed to yank one wrist free and moved her weapon in a slicing motion aimed at Istabella's throat. Istabella was barely able to dodge in time so instead of it cutting her throat she got a nasty slash on her upper chest.

Filtering through the doorway she could hear shouts of alarm coming from her companion's rooms. Zevran had not come out of the chamber and she called out his name. She got no response and could not believe it when she began to panic. She could handle just about any enemy but this small thing was proving more than her match.

Knowing she needed help and fast Istabella screamed out to Fergus and Leliana hoping someone would hear her. She heard Fergus's voice booming through the hallway which startled her attacker. Istabella took that split second opportunity to yank the girl's wrist around and shove the dagger into her attacker's chest. It missed but went into the soft throat area instead. The girl rose up attempting to pull the dagger out of her throat as blood poured down her front. Istabella snatched up her sword that lay by her head and shoved into the girl's gut then removed it.

The girl slumped forward on top of Istabella, her dead weight coming to rest on Istabella's chest. She let out a groan as she began to push the body off of her.

"Istabella? Sweet Maker don't you dare be dead!" Zevran said staggering in seeing the attacker on top of Istabella. He grabbed the attacker's clothing and pulled it off Istabella. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that she was alive.

"What the hell is going on here?" Fergus exclaimed coming into the room followed by Wynne, Leliana, Oghren, Sten and Shale, all but the last, half dressed with weapons ready for a fight.

"Someone just tried to kill your sister again!" Zevran said as he helped Istabella stand up. When Zevran saw the blood all over her tunic and the bleeding gash on her chest, he cursed. Without thinking he raised her tunic up to look at her midsection and nearly fainted when he saw there was no stab wound. The blood was from the attacker.

Istabella quickly yanked her tunic down saying, "I am all right for the most part."

But Istabella was not concerned with herself at the moment. She hurried over and knelt down next to Drake. He was whining plaintively as a dagger was stuck in his shoulder. Istabella breathed a partial sigh of relief. A few more inches and it would have pierced his heart. The thought of losing her dog made tears well up in her eyes and slip down her cheeks.

"Shhhh, I am here Drake. Hold still so I can get the dagger out." Istabella said crooning to the hound. She grabbed the hilt and quickly yanked it out. Blood seeped out from the wound so she used the hem of her tunic to staunch it.

"All of you move out of the way and let me in here." Wynne said in an authoritative voice pushing aside Oghren and Fergus.

She came to kneel down beside Istabella saying in a soothing voice, "Now, now dear one don't cry. It is not a mortal wound and the hound will be back on his feet in a few moments."

Her voice not only calmed Istabella but Drake as well. As Wynne worked her magic Leliana and Fergus went over to where the black clad body lay on the floor. Sten shut the door and lit candles with a taper from the fire. Fergus removed the scarf the girl wore and examined her. She was a young elf and looked rather plain and ordinary. "What is she Leliana? Do you know?" Fergus asked as they searched her body.

Leliana studied the girl then asked "Zevran, if someone is a Crow how can you tell?"

Zevran replied in a slightly dazed voice, "Look at the back of the neck and upper shoulder areas. Depending on what Crow cell you are in, usually there are tattooed markings in the area. Each cell has their own specific symbol so we can identify each other." He instructed her as he took the folded cloth that Sten handed him.

Leliana searched the areas and beyond with Fergus but they found nothing. Getting suspicious Leliana looked at the daggers the girl was carrying and the manner of her dress. She wasn't in armor but was wearing simple peasant garb of black tunic and pants with soft leather boots. The daggers were also of exceptional quality and Orlesian make.

"Well she is definitely not a Crow. Not only does she have no tattoos but I recognize the daggers she carries. She is a bard, like I was." Leliana said taking the daggers and showing them to Istabella. Istabella had come over by her, seeing that Drake would heal up just fine under Wynne's care.

"Okay this is just too much right now. First I get jumped in the market square by some shiny armored thugs, and then I get woken up in the middle of the night and nearly killed a second time. So am I pissing off people in Orlais now?" Istabella said in an exasperated and irritated tone. "I am getting just a bit tired of this attempting to kill me crap!"

"I wonder if this is also connected to Howe. Zevran didn't you say that the thugs who tried to get you earlier mentioned Howe?" Leliana asked.

"Yes they did. What surprises me is that whoever keeps these people on hand, made a risky and foolish attempt tonight. Not many stupid people are desperate enough to risk two assassinations in one night." Zevran snorted sitting down on the bed.

He watched as Istabella went back to Drake's side. After several minutes Wynne was able to get Drake to his feet. The hound had only a slight scar that remained but it would soon be gone. He could not help but smile as Istabella threw her arms around her Mabari's neck. The hound was her twin in animal form and Zevran knew if Istabella lost Drake she would never recover from it.

Satisfied that Drake was fine, Wynne went over to Zevran and looked at his head. "Well she conked you quite hard on the head. Good thing that tankard was wooden and not metal." Zevran sighed as soothing warmth enveloped his head and the pain receded.

"Perhaps we should be moved to another wing of the palace. I am beginning to have my doubts on the safety of this one." Sten said still standing in the doorway to the bedchamber.

Istabella looked up at him from the floor and nodded. "I have to admit I am in agreement. I was wrong in thinking that there wouldn't be a second attack. But once whoever hired her learns the attempt to kill me failed, they won't try again. I am almost willing to bet a purse full of sovereigns on that." She got up and moved to the bed where Zevran and Wynne sat. "I will talk to Anora tomorrow. She is going to be livid when she finds out."

Shale stood in the antechamber behind Sten. Even though he filled the doorway the golem was able to see over his shoulder. "The squishy queen is going to be more than livid when she sees the mess _it_ created. Hence the reason why I am glad to be golem and since I am the only who does not sleep, I will stand guard the rest of the night. Or at least what is left of the night. I can always count one thing since you found me. Traveling with _it_ is never, never dull." Shale said looking at Istabella then going out into the hallway.

Istabella shook her head wondering when and if the golem was ever going to call her by her given name. She had grown used to being called _it _and almost considered a term of endearment on Shale's part.

"Zevran are you all right?" Istabella asked inspecting his forehead after Wynne was done.

"I am fine mi amore. You should be worried more about yourself though." He said pointing to her chest.

She had forgotten about the cut on her chest. In the excitement of everything she had not felt pain until now as Zevran pointed it out. The cut was painful and it was still seeping blood.

"All you men folk vacate except for us women. I need to tend to Istabella." Wynne ordered shooing the men out of the chamber.

Oghren hauled Zevran out by the arm who lingered in the doorway, "Come on fancy fingers. You can ogle the Warden another time."

Istabella rolled her eyes and Leliana shut the bedchamber door behind them. Wynne removed the shirt and handed it off to Leliana. Leliana went over to the fireplace and stacked wood on the dying embers. When she had coaxed a good blaze she threw the shirt onto the fire.

Istabella was grateful for the new fire as the room was becoming chilly since she was half naked. Her skin was tinged red with drying blood both hers and the assassin's. The shirt she has worn managed to soak up most of it. She sighed as Wynne's gentle touch chased away the pain. When the cut was healed Leliana helped her rinse off in the bath basin. When she was clean she put on a fresh tunic, one of Alistair's and surveyed the room.

It was a mess of broken furniture and blood. Istabella rubbed at her forehead wearily saying, "Well let's get that body rolled up in the carpet shall we?"

The elf was laid out lengthwise on the carpet and the three women rolled her up tight like sausage roll. They dragged the carpet to the wall and left it there. They straightened the room as much as possible piling the busted table and broken chair in a heap.

As they finished up Wynne said, "You are not sleeping in here tonight are you?"

Istabella shook her head, "No I think I will sleep in the lounge area for tonight. I could have Zevran pick the locks on one of the other guest rooms though." Istabella mused as she pulled off the bedcover and grabbed a pillow.

The boys and Drake were waiting in the hallway for them. Zevran cocked his head when he saw the blanket and pillow. "Just where do you think you are going to sleep at?"

"In the lounge room for now. That big chaise lounge in there looks mighty comfortable." Istabella said.

"You can stay in my room Istabella. I will sleep on the couch in the antechamber." Zevran said.

Everyone looked at him giving him an "_I know what you are up to_" look. Zevran sighed exasperated, "Look I am only suggesting it because of out all of you I am the quickest against enemy rogues. I am a light sleeper and I will know it if anyone tries to break into my room."

Istabella saw the doubt on her companions faces, particularly her brother's. "Zevran is right. If an obscure attempt is made again he will be the first to know it. I don't care where I sleep as long as it is safe and peaceful. I am tired and quite frankly getting a little cranky here." Istabella said irritably.

Everyone knew that when Istabella got cranky it wasn't a pretty sight or experience. Telling each other goodnight, Istabella and Drake followed Zevran next door to his room. He locked the door after they entered. His room was set up much like hers and with a bed that could hold Drake, Zevran and herself. True to his word Zevran took the top blanket, a pillow and headed towards the couch.

"Zevran? You don't have to sleep on the couch. There is plenty of room for you to sleep in the bed." Istabella said following him.

Zevran laughed as he set up his place on the couch. "Ah my dear Warden, any other time I would not miss a chance to sleep with you close to me. But if anyone touches that door knob I will know it. So for tonight I think it is best." He came up to her and kissed her hand.

Istabella was rather astounded and flabbergasted. Granted, his reasoning made perfect sense, but turning down sleeping in the same bed with her was a bit more than perplexing. She knew Zevran had a thing for her. Everyone knew this including Zevran himself. She was not sure how to interpret this behavior in him.

"Well you know you can always change your mind if the couch gets uncomfortable. Drake usually sleeps as the foot of the bed if he is not sleeping in front of the fireplace. He won't be bothered if you are in the same bed as us."

Zevran grinned at her, "I will keep that in mind mi amore. Now off to bed with you."

Istabella did as she was told and sure enough Drake bounded on top of the covers taking his normal place at the foot of the bed. He sprawled his full length out sighing contentedly. Istabella shook her head and snuggled under the covers. Within minutes she was fast asleep.

_Istabella could hear the whisperings and dark shadows darting around in the cave. Darkspawn were everywhere. She could feel it. But they were not coming towards her. They were going away from her, deep, deep into the earth. The primal urge to find an Old God burned in their veins; she could also feel it in the core of her being. She could feel the driving urge of corruption. But there was something else in the vast darkness, something she had never sensed before. An intelligent curiosity was nearby and called forth. Unable to resist the call she followed the beckoning feeling. The chamber she entered was a massive stone built structure. She looked around trying to pinpoint the intelligent being nearby. But it seemed to shift and move. Finally she located it standing on the edge of a rock face. There was a bright light behind it so she could not see it features. She just knew it was very tall and not like any darkspawn she had ever encountered. There was another smaller figure next to it but it was not a darkspawn. This was someone who was once living but had allowed the taint to transform it. _

_The tall creature pointed at the far wall behind Istabella. "I do not seek to rule my brethren. I only seek to release them from their chains. I did find the old god Urthemiel but starting another Blight was not my intention. " _

_Istabella turned to see two figures emerge from the wall. One was a dwarf that was now fully tainted. It's sick, glowing silver eyes stared at her intently. The other taller one came forward and Istabella thought she recognized its form but couldn't make it out. _

_Then the scene changed abruptly and she was on the top of Fort Drakon. She was reliving the awful moment when Alistair sunk the sword into the Archdemon's head. Once again the tall figure stood shadowed and pointed at the dragon. "Blood is the key to freedom. Blood will stop the call of the Old Gods."_

_Istabella screamed as Alistair looked up and she saw the taint had fully taken him too. His eyes were a sickly silver color and his skin had dark mottled patches. She let out a howl of agony and sorrow reaching for him. Then all went dark, the scene before her disappeared and she was left alone with the whispering shadows. _

"Istabella, wake up!" Zevran said trying to grab her wrists as she thrashed in the bed.

She sat bolt upright crying out in pure blind terror. Her eyes were wild with fright and tears. Zevran grabbed her face with his hands repeating her name. "Istabella! It is all right mi amore. You are safe here with me." He forced her to look at him as he talked, "It was a dream, amore, a nightmare and that is all. Grey Wardens can still have nightmares even when a Blight is over correct?"

She shook her head, "No it wasn't. They took him somehow and he turned. They all turned, not darkspawn but something different. He looked like them but yet he didn't. How did they get him? He is dead! Then the shadows began to move and whisper and then talk. They were everywhere crawling in me, on my skin… " Istabella's voice shook as her body began to shake uncontrollably.

Zevran folded her into his arms and she did not resist. She clung to him as if her very life depended on it. It was a very long time before he felt her relax enough to loosen her grip. How good it felt having his arms around her, holding her close. She had her head down on his shoulder and the weight of it felt comforting and reassuring.

He shifted his weight to get up but she tightened her grip on him. "Zevran don't leave me alone please." She said desperation heavy in her voice.

He pulled back to look at her face but still held onto her. "No mi amore, I will not leave you. Come let's get you back under the covers and I will stay with you."

Istabella nodded as he pulled back the covers and coaxed her into the warm bed. Stripping off his shirt and leaving his trousers on he climbed in with her. After getting himself settled she immediately snuggled up as close to him as she possible could. To help her sleep he crooned an Antivan lullaby to her while stroking her hair. After awhile he could sense she was relaxed and felt the deep even breathing of a person in sleep. He kissed the top of her head and lay awake the rest of the night watching over her.


	8. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 8

**Istabella's Journal**

_9:30 Dragon Age_

_Month of Haring 8__th__ day-Denerim's Royal Palace_

_I stayed in bed most of the day today. After the second attempt on my life last night and the horrid nightmare, my body finally gave out on strength. I have been running myself ragged since Alistair's death, both physically and emotionally. It was time for this Warden to take a sick day for her own sanity and health. I am so lucky and thankful to have the friends I do. They took care of the dead assassin in my room, Fergus dealt with Anora, Wynne and Sten took care of dealing with our allies, Zevran and Drake watched over me while I slept. Shale, preferring to be left alone stood guard outside. _

_Anora moved us to a different wing of the castle that would be closer to the main hall and kitchens. There are also more guards posted in this area so at least she and the rest of us can have a little more peace of mind. But I am not worried about another attempt. We also found out that the man who attacked us in the market square was found dead this morning. He died sometime in the night as a small pouch of poison was found on him. The guards thought he had committed suicide. But the ones on duty were able to identify the assassin as the same one who had brought food down to the prisoners. As for finding out who was behind all this is something we may not ever know. _

_I sit now in my new room which was very much like my other one. I have a spacious bed, a large fireplace, a tub big enough to fit three people and a very comfortable receiving room. My room also now has a window in it overlooking the palace gardens. I moved the desk so I could see out as I write. One of my favorite things to do back home was to sit in the garden or outside somewhere and write. Tonight it is pouring down rain. The tip tap of water against the glass panes allows me to both relax and focus. I always loved the sound of the rain. _

_But the rain was not so soothing the night of the battle of Ostagar. Duncan left to join Cailan, while Alistair and I left to go to the tower of Ishal. When we stepped onto the bridge we could see in the distance the approaching darkspawn._

_A thousand pinpricks of firelight came towards us from the Wilds. Up on the bridge we could see just how vast the army was in size. It was going to be a massacre and a total disaster. _

"_Maker help us!" a guard next to me exclaimed. _

_I could not help but echo his response to myself. The first of the darkspawn charged. Cailan called for the archers when they got within range. Cloud after cloud of arrows rained down on the darkspawn. But they kept coming and they had Ogres. Cailan released the hounds and they charged in full fury. Several of the hounds were immediately cut down, making me wince. _

_I reached out and touched my Drake for reassurance. My heart went out for those hounds that never had a chance. Then Cailan ordered the frontlines to charge. The ogres picked up huge stones and began to fling them at the bridge. One of the stones came hurtling towards us. _

"_Look out!" Alistair had shouted as he used his weight to throw us both out of the way. The boulder struck the wall of bridge not five feet away. _

_He scrambled up to his feet pulling me along with him. We ran across the bridge dodging the stone missiles and flaming arrows. When we reached the safety of the outer courtyards to the tower we discovered we had bigger problems._

_A guard and a mage ran up to us saying, "You are Grey Wardens right? The tower, it has been taken!"_

_Alistair looked in disbelief at the man saying, "Taken? Taken how?" _

"_From underneath the ground. They came up through the keep's basement and have pretty much killed everything in sight." The guard stammered looking from me to Alistair._

"_Shit! Then it is up to us to light the beacon. You two come with us. Four are better than two." Alistair said._

_We took off towards the tower killing darkspawn left and right. They had archers everywhere in the trees. Thankfully the mage was a good shot when it came to magic. As we took the frontal assaults he was able to deal with the enemy archers. _

_When we got to the keep we found the guard had been true to his word. The darkspawn had come from the tunnels below and the men Loghain had stationed there were dead. _

_One hour and four tower floors later we arrived to the great hall. A large ogre eating the corpses of Loghain's dead soldiers is not what we had expected when we burst through the door. Faced with such a large foe Alistair and I both synced up our attacks, both of us vaguely aware we were moving as one. It made sense as we were both tanks with sword and shield as our primary weapon combo. For twenty minutes we fought that stinking hulk of a creature. I managed to disable the ogre by cutting its tendons at the back of its ankles. Both of us gave the creature its final death blow. We stood there breathing hard and exhausted but we had done it together. With the torch on the wall we lit the signal fire for Loghain to charge._

_But unbeknownst to us, the evil snake of betrayal raised its head and lashed out with a deadly fury. Loghain abandoned Cailan, the army and the Wardens to their fate at the darkspawn horde. Cailan and Duncan were lost as was almost the whole army. But we barely had time to comprehend what was happening, as a fresh wave of darkspawn trapped us in that tower room. Before we had time to raise our weapons I became a pincushion of arrows, blood and pain. Death had finally come to claim me and I fell into the black abyss._

A knock on the door roused Istabella from her writing. She put the lap table aside and got out from underneath the covers. She put on her woolen robe and went to the door.

Oghren was standing outside with a pitcher of beer and two mugs in hand. "Oghren! Come inside." Istabella said cheerfully stepping aside.

Oghren entered and set the mugs and beer on the table in the receiving room. Istabella closed the door and sat on one of the couches across from him.

"Heya Warden. Figured since you were holed up in here I would stop by and bring some of your favorite brew. One thing about sucking up Anora's hospitality they have good ale here." Oghren said pouring the liquid into the cups

Istabella grinned taking the mug, "Am surprised we haven't drunk her cellars dry yet. Cheers my good friend."

Istabella held up her mug and Oghren touch his with hers. After drinking he let out a loud belch and settled back in the cushions. "Accommodations are quite nice as well. Listen Warden, I am not one to beat around the bush and I ain't going to start now. But you have been the closest thing to family I have had in a long time. We all know just how much Alistair meant to you and how much his death has affected you. Everyone sees it, even underneath the armored exterior you wear outside this room. My, or I should say, our concern is Zevran."

Istabella cocked her head him a little surprised, "Zevran? Why are you worried about him? Is there something I should know about?"

Oghren shook his head, "Not something you need to know about, but something us, as your family, worry about. It is no secret that Zevran has always fancied you even when you were with Alistair. I mean come on, what is there _not_ to like about you. Our concern is that Zevran will wheedle his way into your heart and bed by playing on your grief for Alistair. I don't want to see you get hurt anymore than you already are. Do you understand where I am coming from Warden?"

Such friends she had indeed! Her reward for looking after their welfare during the Blight was them looking out for her. "I understand what you are saying Oghren. And it is heartwarming to see you all concerned for my welfare. I am doing better than I was a few days ago but in private and at his tomb I still have my moments. Remember that journal he gave me long time ago? I have started writing in that, laying down our adventures during the Blight. I am finding that by telling our tale it is helping to come to better terms with Alistair's death. Will I ever get over it? In time yes. Will I ever forget? Never. There will always be a piece of Alistair with me regardless of who comes into my life or what future relationships I have. But I want you to rest assured that if Zevran wheedles his way into my bed or heart it is because I let him. I have sense enough to when someone is playing on my emotions in order to get at me or something off of me."

Oghren studied Istabella for a few minutes. She was smart, brave, tough and had the best common sense of anyone he knew. He believed her when she said all those things. But as someone who cared about her he still planned to watch her back.

"Fair enough Warden. I just wanted to make sure you knew our concerns and where we all stood. What you do with yourself is your business, as long as you are not being taken or being played for a fool. You know that all of us have your back right?" Oghren said eyeing her.

Istabella gave him a heartwarming smile, "Of course I do and it means the world to me to have friends like you." Her expression turned a little bit more serious, "You know that without all of you, I don't think Alistair and I could have defeated this Blight on our own. Through all the death, dying and traveling our nights in camp were the best times for me."

Oghren refilled their mugs with the last of the ale, "Oh I think you could have but it didn't hurt to have several extra pairs of hands. Whatever road you take Warden, find happiness for yourself. And if you can't find it, well then come get old Oghren and we will drink till we can't stand up."

Istabella smiled and raised her mug, "That my friend I will gladly drink to any day."

After a long drink and loud belch Oghren said more gruffly, "Good. Now all this sappy talk of friendship and family is starting to make me a little sick. Some night before we part ways, you and I are having a drinking contest."

"How about the night of the coronation? The hall will be full of stuffy nobles. We can retire after dinner up here in the lounge room and get inebriated. How about it?" Istabella said putting a challenging smile on her face.

"Warden, you got yourself a deal. By the time you are falling down drunk, I will have just begun to get a buzz! Speaking of which dinner will be ready shortly. Are you coming down to the hall tonight or cooping yourself up in here?" Oghren said getting up.

"No I will be coming down. Come by and get me when you head that way." Istabella said, following him to the door and closing it after he left.

As Istabella made her way to the bed chamber another knock sounded at her door. She opened it expecting to see Oghren but it was Zevran.

"Come in Zev. I was about to get dressed for the evening." Istabella said heading back towards the bed chamber and plopping herself on the bed.

Zevran sat beside her and looked her over from head to feet. "How are you feeling mi amore?

"Much better and much rested I dare say. I have always loved stormy, rainy days. So much so that I am tempted to take a sick day tomorrow as well. I haven't had this much time to myself in a very, very long time." Istabella said crossing her legs under the covers.

"Well it is funny that you mention that now. I have just come from speaking with Anora. The ceremony is the day after tomorrow and she wants you to take another rest day. She wants you to relax and do what you want to do, not what duty requires you to do. We are being honored at the ceremony and she wants us rested and at our best. The day will be a long one I think. However I for one do not look forward to all the pomp and ceremony. It is just not my style." Zevran said lying down on his side and propping his head up with his hand.

She followed his action so they could talk easier. She uncrossed her legs and slid further under the covers so she could face him. "Thank you for what you did last night. Not only saving my life but staying with me through my nightmare. They can be so intense and real that they are sometimes hard to deal with alone."

Zevran smiled and took her hand, "My pleasure mi amore. Would you care to tell me about it?"

Istabella shook her head as her fingers stroked his, "Maybe later but not now. It still haunts me and I am trying to see if I can pull any meaning out of it."

Zevran reached out and pulled her closer to him. "You know I am here for you if ever you want to talk."

Istabella nodded trying to get her body to relax. Whenever her body's yearning for him or for his touch was fired up, she always went tense.

"Mi amore?" Zevran said gently.

Istabella looked longingly at Zevran. She wanted to kiss him and wanted him to kiss her back. She wanted his hands to roam over her body, to light it on fire with his touch. She wanted him to make love to her with reckless abandonment. She wanted to know what it felt like to have him on top of her, moving inside of her, and bringing her to ecstasy.

Zevran must have sensed her rising desire. He pulled her closer to him, "What do you desire mi amore?"

Tentatively she kissed him on the lips. His response was every bit as immediate and reciprocated. Zevran's lips were warm, soft and oh so inviting. Unable to resist she deepened the kiss so their tongues could dance together. Oh what dance! Her body lit on fire as he held the back of her neck with his hand. The kissing grew deeper and more urgent until a knock on the door forced them to break apart. She let out a soft whisper of his name. The parting of their lips was painfully erotic.

The knock sounded again and Zevran rose up from the bed. He was able to hide the bulge of his erection behind his armored skirt. "I will get it mi amore." Zevran said softly going to the door. He composed his features so that they reflected a smooth calmness. But underneath the skin his body had been ignited by passion's fire. He wanted to run back to Istabella and ravish her until dawn.

Opening the door he saw Fergus, Wynne and Oghren standing there. "Commander said to come by and get her when we go down to dinner. She ready yet?" Oghren said eyeing Zevran closely.

"Yes, just about. I am waiting on her myself." Zevran said eyeing the dwarf with an equal stare.

"I am ready Oghren; let me put my journal up." Istabella called as she quickly put on her boots. She quickly washed her face hoping the flush in her cheeks was somewhat gone. She was so aroused that she had a hard time keeping herself in check. Taking a deep breath and ignoring the heated ache between her legs she walked to the receiving room.

"Where are Lel and Sten?" Istabella asked following Zevran out the door.

"Already down there I am sure. Leliana has been in conversation with the revered mother and Sten has been learning about battle training of mabari hounds." Wynne said as they made their way to dinner.


	9. Sorrows and Delights Chapter 9

**Sorrows and Delights Chapter 9 **

After a leisurely dinner in the hall, Istabella made her daily trip to Alistair's tomb. She was not going to linger too long; she had a long night's worth of writing she wanted to do. The hall, as usual, was empty at this time of night. She stepped up the plaque and gently touched the carving. She knelt down on her knees for a few moments with her head bowed in reverent silence. A slight breeze whispered through the hall, gently caressing her skin. Once again a familiar voice sounded in the chamber.

"You always were devoted to those you love." Alistair said sitting perched on top of his tomb.

"Something I learned at young age by watching my parents. They were devoted to each other and their home. I was devoted to Rory even in death. Then you came, stole my heart and won my devotion. There will always be a part of me devoted to you." Istabella said rising up to her feet.

Alistair slid off the stone soundlessly and walked towards her. "And no man could be luckier than I to have found you. I love you Istabella, I will always love you but I don't want you to spend your life grieving for what can no longer be. Remember me yes, but find happiness again for yourself. I knew Zevran would keep his promise to me. He always fancied you but you belonged and were loyal to me. He cared for you just as much as everyone else. If you find happiness and contentment with him even if it is for a short time that is fine. But someday soon you will meet another whom you will love and cherish as deeply as you did me. Make sure he is a man that is worthy of you."

He took her hands, kissing them one at a time. She caught her breath at how real the sensation was. This was not her imagination playing tricks or wishful thinking, this had to be real.

"You are no dream and you are no vision, are you?" Istabella asked touching him tentatively. For a minute, she felt something of him, some solidarity. Then as quickly as she felt it, the sensation was gone.

"There are things in this world that defy death and logical explanation. I cannot say anymore on this." Alistair cocked his head a bit as if listening to something then turned to her. His expression was soft and slightly sad.

"Go find the comfort you seek with those who love and care for you. Find that which will help ease your grief and do not think for a moment you are betraying me. I live in here and in here." He said touching her head and her heart. "Promise me you will do this?" his tone a bit more urgent.

Istabella nodded, "Of course my love. I would do anything you ask." She watched Alistair relax as his image dimmed. "Answer me one question please?" She remembered the nightmare she had the other night of him and the strange cave.

Alistair smiled, "Anything my love."

"Are you safe and happy? Are you all right wherever you are?" Istabella said urgently desperate to know if what she dreamed was real or not.

"Yes, the taint cannot touch me where I am. I am free of it forever; my happiness is in the knowledge that we will walk together again someday. Goodbye my love, till we meet again." Alistair's voice was now an echoing whisper.

The hall once again became quiet and achingly empty. But this visit astounded her more than his previous one. Her mind whirled in confusion. She had felt his touch as if he was alive. _But he wasn't real, or was he?_ She thought to herself as a whole new realm of meaning opened up to her. No, it had been him and it wasn't a figment of a dream or wishful thinking. She needed to talk to someone. Wynne would know more about these things surely. Istabella bowed before Alistair's tomb then hurried out of the hall.

* * *

><p>"What are you saying Istabella? That Alistair returned as some type of ghost?" Fergus asked when she told Wynne about what happened in the hall.<p>

"I don't know. The first time I thought I was dreaming him. But this second time, I could feel his touch on me. I don't know enough about the Fade and spirits to understand this well enough." Istabella said pacing.

"It is sometimes thought that even after death, a person's spirit can return to this plane of existence. Sometimes it is to fulfill a promise or do something that was left undone. Other times the spirit can return or restlessly haunt an area particularly if they died tragically. Tomorrow, I will see if I can find something in the palace library on it. Perhaps some books of Tevinter origin can shed some light on this." Wynne said looking thoughtful.

"Thanks Wynne. I was going to stay for awhile but I need to be alone to think. I will see you all tomorrow." Istabella said distractedly heading towards her room but not before throwing a heated glance at Zevran.

* * *

><p><strong>Istabella's Journal<strong>

_9:30 Dragon Age_

_Month of Haring 8__th__ day-Denerim Royal Palace_

_I saw Alistair's ghost or whatever you want to call it at his tomb tonight. At first I thought it a dream or figment of my imagination. But after he touched me again tonight, I now realize this is no dream. Something is going on beyond the land of the living. Some mystery of death and the afterlife that we only thought we knew. Most importantly was what he said about wanting me to find comfort and happiness again. Oh Maker, help me for I have found that comfort too._

_Before dinner I found my nerve and kissed Zevran. I couldn't hold back any longer and had to know what it was like. And wow, what a kiss it was. Even now I am still smoldering from the heat of its intensity. I know that before he goes to his own room he will stop by mine. And starting tonight I will want him to stay every night in my chamber with me. _

Istabella heard the door open then shut, and she knew immediately it was Zevran. She could feel his presence even from this distance, like a cool breeze on hot skin.

She put down her quill, capped her ink bottle and got up from the desk. He stood in her bed chamber doorway staring at her, naked desire showing clearly in his face. He was feeling the same smoldering fire from earlier that evening.

"Zevran…" Istabella said coming towards him.

Zevran reached her in three strides and slammed her against the wall. He seized her neck so she could not move and planted a searing kiss on her lips. Istabella's body answered his call immediately and responded back with her own hot fierceness. His armor was gone, replaced by clothing. Istabella ran her hands over his back and shoulders, fingers caressing his hair. One of his hands had slipped past her waistband and began stroking the cleft between her legs. His fingers moved with delicious zeal that made her pant with desire.

"Zevran, wait I don't know..." Istabella whispered breathlessly and then lost all speech when he slipped his fingers inside of her. Alistair's words kept coming back to her over and over again. _Find that which will help ease your grief and do not think for a moment you are betraying me. _Alistair was telling her not to waste her life mourning over what could no longer be. She let herself sink into the thrilling pleasure Zevran was giving her. As she did she felt a piece of that grief that she clung to so tighly float away.

"Zevran, don't stop." Her plea came out hoarse and ragged. She was already on the verge of climax and was fighting to keep it at bay. She raised one leg up and hooked around his leg so he could have better access. Any thoughts of Alistair or guilty feelings that might have surfaced were smothered.

Zevran grinned at her evident pleasure he was giving her. Istabella was incredibly wet and slick with desire. He released her lips then moved to her neck nibbling and lightly biting the sensitive areas. Zevran felt her shudder with pleasure and moved to the other side of her neck. How long he had dreamed of this moment and wanted to savor the touch, savor the moment and take his time. But the dam that held back the pent up desire and lust had shattered when she had kissed him earlier this evening. This moment right now held raw, naked passion and he fell right into it. Sensing she could not hold back any more he moved his fingers to the sensitive spot that all women had.

"Let yourself go Istabella. Be free and enjoy pleasure again." Zevran murmured in her ear.

Istabella's body was so hot and enraptured that it immediately obeyed him. She let out a keening cry that was a mixture of joy, sadness, and sexual relief. Tears slid from her eyes unbidden and unstoppable. Zevran did not stop nor question her as he wiped them away. Istabella was grateful to him for this.

Desperate to be filled she yanked his tunic off him as he removed hers. He kicked them aside and pulled Istabella to the bed. Zevran skillfully removed her pants in one fluid movement. Now that she was fully naked he attacked with the ferocity of a hungry predator. Her breasts were wonderfully soft and full in his hands. He gently tweaked each nipple, smiling as they hardened in response. Zevran left her mouth and trailed down her neck, kissing her sensitive skin. He gently took each breast in his mouth, sucking at them and flicking her nipples with his tongue.

The minute he did so Istabella arched her back up gasping in pleasure. Her hands grabbed his hair for something to hold onto as he suckled on her. Then he trailed down her stomach and buried himself between her thighs.

Istabella had known the pleasure of love making. Rory had felt different from Alistair and Alistair had felt different from Rory. But Zevran opened up a whole new realm of pleasure. His tongue did things that she did not think possible. Istabella began to writhe as her pleasure mounted, fisting the sheets in her hands. Her body attempted to buck up but Zevran held her hips firmly in place. She felt warmth rush between her legs as another intense orgasm ripped through her.

Her hips bucked up so hard that she was certain that Zevran would be thrown off the bed. But he was still down there and hanging on. His oral administrations of her was not enough, she wanted more of him. Istabella used the power of her legs to pop him up from between her thighs and flip him on his back. The move stunned Zevran and he lay there on his back. She climbed on top of him and pinned his arms down to the bed.

"I don't want foreplay!" she growled looking intently at him.

Istabella could not help giggling as Zevran's face had a very complacent grin. He seemed happy to be dominated and Istabella did not mind being the aggressor.

She pulled off his trousers and settled down on top of him. When she released his arms Zevran pulled her face to his kissing her. "Are you sure this is what you want mi amore?"

Istabella nodded, "Yes, I am completely sure."

Zevran wrapped his arms around her and thrust hard into her. The sensation made Istabella cry out and arch her back so he could go deeper. He grasped her hips encouraging her to ride him harder and faster. There was nothing more beautiful than a woman in the throes of sexual pleasure and Istabella looked exquisite. From her dark hair, to her amber eyes, her soft and lush breasts, all the way down to her lovely hips. He watched her smile at him as her eyes locked on him for a moment before she closed them. Her undulating body moved more quickly and whimpers of delight were increasing. He would fly with her this time around and let his own orgasm meld with hers.

Istabella's third orgasm had her screaming. It was a release of more anger, grief, rage and sadness that no amount of killing or battle lust could quench. If the power of an orgasm could set a room on fire, Istabella's would have incinerated everything within range.

Zevran's climaxed match hers with the same intensity and power. Three hard thrusts was all it took for him. He flooded hot and heavy into her core calling her name and over again. After few minutes his thrusting subsided and Istabella collapsed on his chest breathing hard.

Zevran kissed her shoulder, her face and stroked her hair. Of all the lovers and sex he had in his life, nothing compared to this. Istabella was the most intoxicating, passionate and fiery woman he had ever known. He would treat and respect her with the same care he did his daggers.

"Did I hurt you Zev?" Istabella said popping one eye open to look at him.

Zevran grinned and flipped her over on her side. "Of course you didn't mi amore'. I am an assassin, I can handle anything. I knew you held passion in you but I had not realized how much. It was lovely, sexy and exciting."

Istabella giggled playing with one of his braids that came loose. "You should try me out after I have been fighting for awhile. I would leave scratch marks and bruises on Alistair." Her voice had dropped to a seductive whisper that made Zevran shiver.

He had met his match both in and out of the bedroom. Zevran smiled then rolled Istabella over on her back and settled between her legs. "Well my lovely Warden, I have always enjoyed mixing pleasure with pain."

* * *

><p>A few hours later Istabella indeed lived up to her word. He lay there holding her against him, savoring the pain from her scratches on his back.<p>

Istabella pulled back a bit saying, "Zevran I need to confess something."

"Well now, my lovely warden I am intrigued. What is this confession? Perhaps you have a secret longing or desire that I do not know about yet?" Zevran said slyly reading her mind.

Istabella knew that he knew, despite her love for Alistair, that she had always desired him. The confession burst out in a torrent of passion that surprised even Zevran.

"Yes! I mean no, I mean… arghhh! I am attracted to you Zevran. Very, very attracted to you! I always have been from the beginning but my love and loyalty was to Alistair. We had been through so much together and being Wardens we understood what the other was going through. Then you came along and in time I found out how much fun you were to be around, talk to, and you had this knack for being able to lighten up a serious situation. Sometimes I even fantasized what it would be like in bed with you. I always pushed those thoughts from my head because it felt like I was betraying Alistair. I hated myself for having them yet I could help it. I will always love Alistair, a part of me will always long for Alistair. But when I am with you my body screams for your touch but yet I can't help but feel like I am still betraying him while he lies cold in his tomb. Is it wrong for me to want you? It is wrong for me to want you in my bed lying naked next to me?"

Zevran laughed softly and stroked her face, "Ah mi amore. It is that little voice we all have called a conscience that says it is wrong. Or it is one's personal morals that say it is wrong. Desire, even for another, is the body's natural response to want what we cannot have or what is not attainable. One can also be desired to fill a hole that another has left open. It is all in one's perspective of how they see desire and guilt."

Zevran could see the emotional struggle that plagued Istabella. Her loyalty to Alistair and his memory was in the forefront of that struggle. But the intense need to fill the hole of loneliness his death left was also battling for supremacy.

"Oghren came by before dinner and got me thinking." Istabella said hesitantly.

Zevran's face reflected calm but his body tensed up a bit, "And what did our drunken dwarf have to say?"

"It was about you and I. It is no secret that you have always fancied me Zevran, we both know it and so does everyone else. They just wanted the reassurance that I was not going to have my emotions played up by you so you could get what you want. I of course told Oghren that regardless of my emotional state it has not hindered my common sensibilities. Whatever I did in my private life was of my own choice and not anyone else's. And you can't get mad at them for caring Zev. They want to protect me from any more hurt and heartbreak down the road." Istabella said propping her chin on his chest.

To her surprise Zevran grinned, "Ah I was wondering how long it would take for Oghren to say something to you."

Istabella looked quizzically at him, "You mean you expected this?"

Zevran nodded, "Yes my lovely warden. Oghren questioned my motives as to why I let Alistair die and kept you from doing the deed. He suspected I did it so in the long run because I would eventually get what I wanted, which is you."

Istabella's heart fluttered and skipped a beat.

Zevran looked at her as his voice took on a serious tone, "Istabella I want you to understand something. I do not regret my actions or what I did. I protected you because Alistair not only made me promise to, but because he loved you so much. As funny as it sounds coming from me, I respected and admired his love for you. Such a love that you two had is rare to come by but a joy to witness. I too care for you and did not want to see you dead. You have so much good to give to this world that it would be a shame to not have you here. Besides, traveling with you provides ample sources of adventure. I also understand the mixed emotions you are feeling. It is nothing to be ashamed of and is perfectly natural as I have said. Whatever path you want us to take or what we become is totally up to you. I suspect it will take a very long time, if at all, for you to feel towards someone the way you felt with Alistair. I do not in any way expect you to open your heart to me like that. Until you release me from your service I am always by your side whether it is a friend or lover or both.

Istabella was profoundly grateful at these words. He had said all the right things to reassure her that he understood her situation perfectly. He was happy to be around her whatever her motives were. "So in other words, best friends with benefits?" Istabella asked.

"That is a good way to put it yes. I put no conditions on you nor expect anything more of you than you are willing to give. If you would prefer to best friends with benefits of the bed, I am more than willing to jump on that ship. If you would rather stop and remain strictly friends, then I am acceptable to that too." Zevran offered running a finger up and down her neck.

Istabella mulled his words over. It was past the point of being able to stop and just remain friends. They both crossed over the emotional barrier that had kept her separate from him for so long. She wanted him by her side and in her bed for as long as he would remain.

"I don't want stop this Zevran. I don't know what the future holds or what will happen. I only know I want your friendship and your company for as long as I can have it." Istabella said tracing her fingers on his brow.

Zevran smiled and pulled her up to his lips. "Then we shall continue on this crazed adventure of ours and let the future take its course."


End file.
